I didn't do much of anything this weekend. The office closed early on Friday because of a power outage so from about Friday @ 1:00 PM on I was bumming around the house. I didn't shower or shave all weekend. I was mostly depressed because of my father's birthday. He isn't alive anymore, and the last visual I have of him is him faking being asleep when I came to see him one last time before he died. That fact seemed to allude my wife as she continually grew frustrated with me. I was once again called a loser and told I should crawl in a hole and die.

Saturday night I received an email about a possible job opportunity. I talked it over with the wife and she said go ahead and try it. It's for another purchasing position, which is what I apparently have an aptitude for, but the newness and the size of the organization have me concerned. Needless to say, I agreed to a phone interview and had that last night - I know, on a Sunday. It seemed to go well. I should find out within the next day or so if I have a face to face interview. They agreed to meet after hours (after 5:00 PM) so I didn't have to take off additional time for work. I think the one thing that will prevent me from interviewing or getting an offer is the lack of a college degree.

My wife has been reading up on the company and seems really impressed with it. However, the more impressed she becomes the more reality sets in and my depression starts reminding me how my chances of securing employment here are slim to none. How could a company of such intelligence hire someone like me? They would have to be crazy. My wife can no longer process these comments that come from my mouth, so I'm referred to as a loser, etc. When I didn't go to church with her yesterday morning I was reminded once more about how pathetic I am and I should never expect anything good to happen because I do not pray regularly or go to church and tithe.

I don't think my medication is working as well as it could, and maybe it is time to adjust my levels. Then I start to think that nothing will change because my wife will just continue to see me as a loser. She says things like that and then turns around and buys me a birthday present. Practical things, like shirts, but presents nonetheless. I do not want my birthday to be celebrated. I don't want to be reminded that I am getting older. Knowing tomorrow I turn 36 is just a harsh reminder of where I once was, where I am now, and the daunting task of getting to where I want to be if that were even possible. The older I get the less likely this is going to happen.

Saturday morning I had a very surreal moment with voices in my head having conversations with one another. It felt like I was sitting in a mall or a restaurant and people were walking by me as they talked to one another. Some conversations felt closer to me than others, and I could clearly make out what they were saying but nothing ever appeared to make sense to me. Not that the words were nonsensical but the conversations were general in nature and not specific to anything going on around me. People were just talking.

I feel like contacting my primary and letting him know what is going on. The problem with that is he's extremely busy and difficult to get a hold of. He is the team doctor for a professional sports team as well. If I email him, the responses will go to my wife. She will see everything. I'm worried she will interject and say I am making things up, not take me seriously, etc. If I try and change the email address on our account with the doctor she will be notified. It's one of those fail safes I have in place should I go into an episode and do risky things.

Part of me wants to leave a message with the doctor to get a call back, but that may never happen in a timely fashion. By then the symptoms could have worsened. The growing fear that I have inside me is that I am progressively becoming worse and need to be seen. I don't feel suicidal yet, but if I continue to be tormented by my obsessive thoughts and feelings, get called a loser by my wife, perform poorly on the job, I just might hit a tipping point. The scared self wants to get admitted for observation. But to what end? What would that accomplish?

I'm tired of being called a loser, even if my wife apologizes. I'm tired of my faith being questioned when I honestly could care less if I prayed and/or went to church. If "god" is responsible for what is happening to me, I want out. I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to lose my wife, my kids, my job, my home...however I feel so hopeless that going nuclear might be my only option.