i don't know what i want to be told... maybe that im not in a nightmare... and that things can, will get better...

i've been trying so hard, but it doesn't seem to be making much difference you know...
they said try, step outside your comfort zone, cry, feel, listen, do, and i am, but nothing is changing and everything seems to be spiraling out of control and getting worse...

its like they said these things and i was like "OK" i opened my eyes and saw how bad it is... NOW what? im sitting here feeling all this crap with no answers and scared to death... how can i possibly fix ALL this...? im utterly overwhelmed... dreadfully alone... and the pain grows... i didnt know it could get worse, i didnt know... im scared and dont want to face it anymore, i want to close my eyes and wish it away... go away... just go away... why did i have to open my eyes... why did i ever wake up...?
i dont think i was ready... how could i of been ready... look at me...

i wish someone could swoop in and fix it all, that would be great... but i know thats not gonna happen... else it would of already happened...
ive been trying to take responsibility for everything... even things that are not my fault, things that i have no power over... i just wish i didnt have to face this ugly world alone... someones warm hand to hold would make me so much stronger in this cold cold world...
i just dont see how any length of stay in the hospital is going to solve any of my problems though... how could it? they are so much deeper than just me feeling down... its my life, my life is royally ****ed up... hospital cant fix that... i need a job, i need money, i need a place to live away from these people... i need friends... i need love... i need tranquility... peace... these are things i need... i've tried medications... hospital... rehab... those bandaids just dont seem to help at all... you know...?
maybe im just looking at it wrong... please if i am tell me... if those things can help i need to know how... because i've been trying and i need to beable to hold onto some form of hope...
hope... what a funny word...

ive been talking to them weekly about my medications... they are annoyed with me... they said that the meds im on should be working... just like my last psychiatrist... but medications just dont work for me.... i am immune to stupid medications... i hate medications...

i went to therapy today... talked to her about finding a new therapist... she said she will see me one more time to discuss what i have found out about finding a new therapist... and to discuss if we should continue seeing each other because shes not sure its helping me to continue seeing her... since we've been seeing each other for so long she said something like we've hit sort of like a ceiling on our treatment together or something...

she just keeps telling me that i need to get away from my family... i need to get out of this house because they are keeping me down... not that i can never see them... just that they are not helping things....

ive tried really hard with this therapist... its just i go in to talk to her and we talk... but i guess i dissociate with her because i dont recall much of what we discuss... i dunno what it is i do, i just do it all the time with everyone... so doing work she tells me to do is difficult when i have a difficult time recalling what we discuss... my mind just goes blank... i dont live on this world, i hate this planet... god i hate this planet...

i signed a paper for her to do the thing with the department of rehabilitation service? or whatever it was called.. to try to help me find a job but that probably will take years too but whatever... thats all i remember doing with her today... she saying i need to leave my family again, signing the job paper thing, and then going to foodlion with my dad and coming home...

im really depressed...

i dunnno what kind of sessions we have... i think we just talk...?
thinking about it i dont think i like our therapy sessions very much... i mean i like her, but i dont think i like the therapy... does that make sense...? i dont think its good for me... she said again that she thinks i have borderline traits today, i just remembered

she's not a specialist or anything, but she is really nice... but my mental health is really... like... these are dangerous grounds...

i dont think she has harmed me either... its just that i've become really unstable... its not her fault... im just really volatile... sorry... i just wish i could blame someone maybe... maybe that would make me feel better ya know...? someone to be pissed off at...? direct something towards other than myself... so much hatred...

i just dont know what to do anymore... ive used up everything i have to get to this point... i dunno what to do anymore... im out of all ideas... im in a great deal of pain.... it hurts.... and im so alone...

i want to change, i want to get better, i want to be OK i want to be happy, i want everything to be GOOD!
i just feel like i have tried everything..... i dont know what else to do.... im scared there is nothing else that i can do.... maybe there is no getting better for me....
maybe they cant help me...

or maybe i just need to fire all of them... and go to an entire new clinic... new everything... its just i cant afford anything else.... so i feel trapped.... and stuck with this... and its just not good enough... and its going to end up killing me.....

i feel so sick.... why does it hurt so much....

so much hatred.....

i only posted here because of the world i live in feels so underwater...
im drowning and no one can hear me...
my mind is stuck in a place that i cant recover it from... and i dont know if anyone can really understand me or what i mean...

i dont think i belong anywhere... i just thought this world might would understand most...

sorry....