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<font color="green"> I think I have had a breakthrough. I tend to really struggle with anger, either I get scared and cry or panic or I turn it on myself, which usually leads to SI. For many years, I simply refused to feel anger, and buried it as deeply as I could.
Last Monday in therapy, I was echoing my therapist; she had me saying, “It is safe for me to be angry. I deserve to be angry. I am angry at……. “ Well I panicked, choked out, “I don’t know.” We spent the rest of the session on calming techniques. My tummy doesn’t like even remembering this.
Now for the good part, I was thinking about my godparents and all the stuff that had happened – to the point that I was nearly triggering myself. I just got fed up with it all! I remembered my T saying it was time for them to get out of my bed, that I deserved to enjoy my husband without them, and I got mad. My youngest was in the next room, so I didn’t vocalize anything but in my head, I started yelling at them to get out. I cussed at them (I rarely cuss) and continued to tell them off becoming more and more enraged. The mad felt good and I was just steaming. But by chance, I glanced into the mirror, and was startled at how I looked. I realized I had been angry for several minutes and was nowhere near crying. So I sort of looked around inside. No, there was not any fear or shame and I had no desire to hurt myself! I felt a little thrill at that and then was a bit crestfallen that I had lost my first safe anger. But I didn’t lose the benefits of it, I felt lighter somehow and happy.
I walked around for 4 days with a silly grin on my face. I am a bit nervy about doing that again but if I could just vent off all that ugly rage in little safe bits like that would be wonderful.
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dalila
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-Erma Bombeck
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