I am recently divorced and have both my children 100% of the time. Their father doesn't act on his custody agreement. I get no child support. My children are six and three. I feel like I am failing miserably. Immediately after my divorced and subsequently moving out, my father passed away. I avoided this pain as long as I could until I fell into a massive depressive state. I ended up getting ECT which helped for awhile. It was a grueling process where I was gone a lot, further disrupting their already chaotic lives. Now I'm finding it hard to connect with my kids or feel anything other than annoyance with them. I want to say that they are GREAT children. I do love them, I know I do. I just find it hard to handle both of them all the time. If I sit on the couch the both have to sit right next to me and with various parts of their bodies touching me. I just want to go hide in my room and not deal. I'm so overwhelmed that I am numb. I haven't felt anything in a month.

My six year old has started needed constant reassurance and my three year has become even more clingy than usual. I feel like they are picking up on my stress, my mood and my generalized apathy. I feel like I'm ruining them. Every time my six year old smiles in my face or comes to give me a hug for 100th time in five minutes, all I can think is: I'm freaking them out. I was such an AMAZING mom before I got divorced and now I'm like a passenger in a car. Last week I looked up in Thursday and realized I hadn't bathed them since Sunday. Who does that??
It takes me way to long to go to the grocery store because I just don't care. The result is fast food which isn't healthy. I let them watch way too much TV because it easier than having to entertain them. I have no idea what's happening with the six year old at school because I stopped checking his homework. The three year old has regressed in his potty training and is back in pull ups. Why? Because I stopped asking him if he needs to go potty. I just want to be left alone. I look at them and think, I should be teaching your something. You should be learn to tie your shoes or sling a yo-yo. Instead I stare blankly into space on the couch while they watch episode number whatever of PJ Masks. I wonder if it would better for me to give them to my mom who is amazing and save them from my spiraling circle of guilt, depression and annoyance. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I don't want to be around my own children and that they aren't enough for me to snap out of it. I feel like it's only a matter of time before they end up in therapy and I will have to explain to them why Mommy didn't smile for three months. I'm so sorry this is so much. This is everything I can't say because I'm so worried that someone will call CPS and try to take them from me. I wish I wasn't such a failure.