Hello. I am new to this board. I have been having issues with depression/anxiety since I was a teenager. I am 33 years old. Two years ago, I started seeking help from a doctor and was put on sertraline, plus hydroxyzine as needed. I feel like the Sertraline helps limit my depressive episodes, but my mood is still often unstable. I still have depressive episodes, but they are different since being on the Sertraline. I'm not sure what's normal and what's not. My doctor at one point wanted to raise my dosage. I am only on 75. But I didn't want to as I don't always feel that way. So I got the hydroxyzine. I do have a very stressful job, and it's where a lot of my anxiety comes from. I've always had a problem with it, but it has gotten worse.

I am studying to be a counselor, and the more I have learned about different diagnosis, I wonder if I am more than just depressed. I have concerns that I may be bipolar (specifically bipolar 2). So much of what I have read feels like I could have wrote it. I always thought that with bipolar, you were the two extremes and there is no middle ground. The more that I have read it seems that it is untrue. I shared my concerns with my doctor and he is referring me to a psychiatrist. He thinks I just have major depression, and I'm just having episodes of not being depressed and feeling good. He might be right. But I don't know. Has anyone else been in this position? And what did you do? Part of me feels like he just doesn't fully understand mental health (which is often true) or I am being dramatic. Guess this is a good time to mention that that I have trust issues and horrible self esteem.

I would categorize myself as being high functioning, despite what goes on in my head. I am bullheaded and like to be independent. I don't like for people to do things for me. I put on a face so everyone will think I'm okay. One of the most bizarre yet rewarding compliments I got was from a coworker who said that I seemed like I really had my life together. I was blew away cause I don't see my life that way. Yet I couldn't help but be glad that they didn't see my truth. It's a struggle and I spent a long time hiding it before it became too much and I sought out medical help. I am just so tired of pretending that everything is okay.

I am nervous about going to a psychiatrist and not sure what I need to do to prepare. I hate telling people what really goes on in my head, because I don't want the "looking for attention" attitude from people or sounding like I'm crazy. I'm thinking I need to write out every symptom that I experience and my history. Anyone recommend anything or where I should even start? I am actually to the point of being too scared to go. But this isn't just for me. I have two children and I feel like I owe them a good mom.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you got this far. And thanks for any help.