My mom is in the ICU unit. They admitted her last night because her oxygen levels were so low. She has blood clots in both lungs and fluid around them. I met my brother at the hospital and we stayed with her until they got her settled.

What a crazy mixture/rotation of emotions. I'm really having a hard time sorting out how I feel and if it's ok to feel what I'm feeling, with no guilt. I feel compassion for her and want to comfort her, but a part steps up and tells me I can't give her what she didn't give me. She didn't teach me how.

I want to ask her so many questions, but I don't have the words. I don't believe that she would answer in truth after she gaslighted me this past Thanksgiving. There's anger.

I want her to tell me that she's sorry. I want her to tell me that she wishes she had made different choices.

It's very hard for me to look into her eyes. I can't tell what I see there.

I guess that hope is really gone for believing that things can be different.

The low oxygen levels have somehow affected her brain. She thinks that the people in the ICU unit are trying to kill her. They called me at 1:30 this morning to see if I was still at the hospital. She was pulling the CPAP mask off and was mad because she there. They wanted me to come and calm her down. I couldn't. They had to restrain her. I feel guilty for that. I also feel compassion for her.

I have to go back tonight. Well, I don't have to, I feel that I need to. Only one person can be in the unit with her at a time, so that means that it will be just me there with her. That makes my tummy nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say. Compliance will most probably step in and carry the conversation for me.

Thank you again for your replies and encouragement here. You give me courage to believe that what I feel is real.