case manager said today that she can help me get with those rehabilitation people to do some type of job training stuff but they want to see stability and that im ready for it, which apparently no one seems to think i am...

and apparently i need to find some sort of patience and practice patience...
its just that i've been patient for so long and im tired of being patient, tired of waiting...

and apparently this place we called today has a specialist that can see me, they are supposed to call me sometime to set up an appointment or something... i just think that its a male therapist and im not very comfortable seeing a male for various reasons... which is scary...

and my case manager says i need to just stay sober and ignore the anxiety and hope the medication does something for my anxiety, that they dont want to do anything with my meds, not even put me back on the cymbalta at the moment... which wouldnt hurt not one thing... since its gotten worse since they took me off the abilify and cymbalta....

i've been really irritable all day... not even 1 cigarette today so yay...

i've been thinking about how using these forums may be affecting my mental health...
1 it may be a place to vent... thats good right? 2... maybe a place to embarrass myself and cause confusion... so im just torn whether i should truly stop visiting here or not...

i kind of want to just go into my fantasy world and live a way where nothing is wrong, because i could do it... but would it be healthy...? or worth it...? or would i end up hurting myself...? or ending up in jail....? losing myself...? like... my mind fragments... and i wouldnt be the same person... am i willing to lose the last bit of who i was, do i even want to hold onto that person?
a big part of me screams no, i don't ... because that person is afraid, but there are many qualities, kindness, innocence, about it, that i value... and i know they are dieing... i grieve and hurt for the loss and dont know what will be born; dont know what to expect or if i will like what comes...
part of me feels like its too late anyway, that its going to happen anyway, and maybe thats why i feel like i am fighting a losing battle... but another part feels like it can win and go back to the way things were, safe... predictable...
at the same time another part doesnt want that; wanting something new and fresh, exciting...

im at an important part of this life... of course its going to be scary and confusing right...?

just trying to figure things out.... feeling very impatient...