Quote:
Originally Posted by cielpur
After some quick searching, I found this information online about anger levels:
Indignation = self-righteous anger (the person always believes they're right and everyone else is wrong)
Sulking = passive-aggressive anger (the person is so angry, that they refuse to act; no one can make them do what they don't want to do)
Exasperation = anger response (the person's patience has been tested to the point it breaks)
Revenge = anger response (a deliberate response to a perceived offense)
Would you say that your boyfriend has a bad temper in general? Does he explode his anger after holding it in? Doesn't matter how many times he's angry, as much as how he expresses his anger, that can pose a problem to both himself and to you, etc.
But from what you've written, it sounds like your family was racist against your boyfriend because he's a different race, so they judged him, and took a year before they'd accept him. Is that correct?
Your first few posts, maybe I misread them (I think), because it came across to me, that you fear your boyfriend's angry outbursts. If your boyfriend was even tempered, I wouldn't think you'd post a worrisome thread about his anger issues. That's why I interpreted your thread as seeking help to understand what causes your boyfriend's angry outbursts.
Some anger is healthy, as long as its expressed in a healthy way:
1. Use "I" statements "I feel angry when," and "It hurts my feelings when..."
2. Don't hold in your anger
3. Don't express your anger aggressively (break things, physically harm another person)
4. Be able to identify what triggers your anger and discuss it with the person who triggers it
5. Focus on yourself, and what triggers your anger, instead of blaming the other person for making you angry
How does your boyfriend express his anger? Does he shout? Blame? Throw things? Scream than sulk silently? How would you describe the way your boyfriend expresses his anger?
There is a difference certainly, between someone with a temper, and someone who is physically abusive. There is a fine line between the two different styles of anger.
How does your family factor in to your relationship with your boyfriend now that they've known him for two years? Is he easily triggered by their words and behavior? How does he perceive them? You describe them as overbearing, and you describe yourself as having (enmeshed) boundary issues, because you let them control some of your life's decisions for you. Do you think the way your family treats you, plays a role in your boyfriend's anger (if he has any) towards your family?
The only reason I mentioned how anger can evolve to physical abuse, is because physical abuse is a physical expression of rage that the physically abusive person feels. But if your boyfriend doesn't fit that profile, then you have nothing to worry about. Now, if he sulks silently after an argument with you, you can choose to adapt to the way he chooses to express and process his anger that way, or you can ask him to get help learning how to express his anger differently.
My ex-boyfriend refused to change the way he expressed his anger. I'd ask him to discuss what I did to make him angry, and he would just refuse to. He preferred to disappear, sulk for days, and then would suddenly become available again to me, acting as if nothing happened. It was intolerable because it was like living with an adult toddler who chose temper tantrums over reasonable discussion. Worst, it was a form of emotional abuse (his need to control and to manipulate me). I can't date men who choose to express their anger in the form of silent treatments and sulking. That's my preference, because I find it to be very immature. So it's up to you to decide if your boyfriend's period of silent treatment and sulking after he gets angry, is something you can put up with, or not.
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Thank you for your detailed response!
I would say that he responds in a passive aggressive way. When he gets angry for the most part he gives me the silent treatment and does not want to do anything or talk about it until after he has cooled down. He CAN admit when he is wrong and apologize and he is willing to talk it out after he has cooled down which I would hope is a good sighn.
I would say that he has a temper in the sense that I don't believe the things he responds to warrent the silent treatment for several hours. I would rather he simply communicate whatever stimuli bothered him rather than holding it in for hours at a time. He is able to communicate once he has cooled down but I wish it didn't take so long to get there. I would not say he explodes after letting things build up because his anger is an immediate response after a stimuli.
That is correct about my family. This could be the reason why he responded in anger around them. It is not an excuse by any means but it gives me more of an understanding as he has never displayed anger in public.
I never feared his anger outbursts but I was bothered by them. My post was triggered by the event that occurred where he raised his voice in front of my family and they expressed fear of his anger. I have always wondered what a future would look like with his man and if his anger is "normal". Or if any unhealthy expression of anger at all is not to be tolerated.
He expresses his anger by raising his voice occasionally, never lasting more than a few minutes at a time. He never throws things and he does blame. For the most part he gives me the silent treatment and shows physical sighns that he is upset like huffing and puffing and not making eye contact. I understand that I may do things to upset him. That to me is normal. However I believe he can speak to me directly about those things rather than give me the silent treatment.
My family does not know him very well. My sister and him have always disliked each other personality wise and it may be because they both have strong personalities. My boyfriend thinks my sister doesn't treat me very well and that she is selfish, manipulative,ect. He likes my mother quite a bit, and completely understands her negative reaction to his outburst. However they have not spent much time together. My sister fears he is isolating me from other people in my life. However he has never said anything negative about my friends and even encoraged me to talk to them about our current issues. The only person he has said negative things about them as a person is my sister. Other than that he has expressed frustration about them discriminating against him. During our move he has encouraged me to come to social events with his friends to make new friends. He also knows I want to have my family near by long term and says he is more than happy to move back to my home state after his doctorate program finishes. From what I know I do not believe he is isolating me from family.
Did your ex never choose to discuss what made him angry? Or would he do so after a period of sulking. The reason I ask is because my boyfriend will discuss what makes him angry after a few hours of sulking.