Walking through my mom being in fragile health. I'm feeling myself shift or try to. It's too many triggers at one time.

Things have come up between my brother and me. I don't think he understands and I don't want to explain and "hurt" him. That's not really it but I don't have words.

There are so many things that I have fragments of that I don't think he does. There are some things that he was too young to even know.

He clings to my mom for safety. I never had that option. He's her favorite and I'm
Ok with that. She tells me that when he was born that God told her that she wouldn't have him for long. She has strived from that and he is 47. I'm not judging in any way. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it.

I don't know how to explain my detached connection with my mom when his is so secure. I don't know how to explain to him why I went home tonight, with her in ICU, and he's sleeping in the waiting room.

A part of me is angry and hurt that I'm not there too. I don't want to be. I just feel it.

I don't want to lay myself out and try to explain who I am to him. He is so close to her that I feel like I would be thrown under the bus. He would sell me out. That's not good of me to think.

If I told him all that I have, he would make excuses and gaslight me.

I don't know.