I have to get this off of my mind. My boyfriend is having his house fumigated on Friday so I invited him over, well, for at least the afternoon and whatnot. Well, one thing led to another on the phone and in texts and now we're planning on having a romp between the sheets for the first time with each other.

A bit soon in some people's eyes, I know, so please don't judge me on that. It's what I want. God I want it so bad. However, that's not what I'm writing about. You see, he got drunk earlier in the day and called me and confided in me that he has some pretty damn dark fantasies. I can't really share them with you all, mostly because I don't want to violate his trust. Rest assured he rarely drinks, so I don't think it'll be a common thing.

Anyways, inbetween telling me his dark fantasies he told me a few things he wanted to try with me. You see, he wants to try stuff like deep throating and doggy style (granted I brought it up that I wanted to try doggy style and he went on saying he wanted to pin me down and pull on my hair and other stuff like that).

And now I'm confused on what I want to do on Friday and what I don't want to do. Do I like getting my hair pulled? Can I even deep throat? I don't know these things.

You see, I was hit once or twice by my father growing up and I don't know where my threshold for being triggered lies within all of this more forceful and kinky stuff. I flinch when a hand is raised to me. I can't help it, it just happens.

I'm honestly really wanting to have sex with him and enjoy it, but at the same time, I want him to enjoy it too.