If she had not died in her early 50s, I wonder if I would have figured out how to become less defensive toward my mother. Maybe I feel this way because I am the child but she seemed like an immovable force. Perhaps it was a case of unacknowledged sibling rivaly. My little sister and mom were always closer than we were and well, something went terribly wrong with me so I wonder if it started in childhood.

We, including my dad, all jumped when she said jump. She could be persuasive and would not rest until she got her way. There were stories about her always selling hundreds more boxes of Girl Scout cookies than everyone else from a very young age. Her father (my grandfather) had a temper and did not make a very good living. He was frequently unemployed and favored his son other his daughter. Despite the fact that my parents supported my grandfather financially, I saw him criticise my mother for very minor things. My sister told me about an incident where he made her cry in front of her (an unforgivable and destructive comment and act). My mom and dad were high school sweethearts but I had the impression that he was not her only suitor in high school because my dad would kid that his best friend was after her too. My dad had a small inheritance which he invested in his dad's company and a bachelor's degree in both business and nursing, etc. After working in a corporate job for 10 years in the city, they sold their house and started a business (a gas station) in the mountains. Soon, they would start other businesses and small projects. My dad would talk about the ways in which following her advice made them successful. Because she came from tougher circumstances, she would not allow my father to agree to contracts that did not protect their interests and, in hind sight, she would always be right. In the mountains (most of the homes were summer cabins), she was a successful realtor and would buy fast/expensive cars which she loved to drive really fast.

I know she loved me. She was not perfect (had as much anxiety as I do) but I did not appreciate her as much as I should have....