L asked me for a lot today: I'm supposed to email the artistic director for financial help, some contracting guy about summer concert opportunities, some people who were thinking of starting a concert series with me about firming up plans, the conductor begging for my job back after I forgot that rehearsal.

Stuff I wasn't doing because I don't think I deserve the help or performance opportunities. Then she wants me to email her tonight confirming I've done it.

Coming home the reaction is "why can't she just let me go"
It's like I just want to be a wreck. It's all I know how to be.