I have episodes...from my brain injuries....and injury at brain stem...I can turn my head and lose my hearing...I can turn my head...and my sight wobbles...I can turn my head...and become lost...to my own humanity....I have just had one of those episodes....that lingered for days...living a hell....and the aftermath....a dullness...and a body drained.....and a mind...wondering....

So often...so very often....I am not even sure what I feel...or maybe it is how can I feel....I feel everything...yet I feel an absence.....creating this underlying wrenching sorrow....I weep internally....wondering for what....is the knowing more that I can comprehend...or it is a protection....that holds a wall....or is it nothing....I hear the words I love you....I love you....I love you....empty of any value....yet I never reach out...so what is there to love....their memories....is that what they are loving....that someone who they hold in their minds as a Being....even though it is not the being that I am....is that the answer....

I don't know how....I don't know how....my life is aloneness....it is everything it is nothing...it is light when I look through my door...the garden beckons...there is wonder and life bursting....and I know this is my heart's effort shining....and yet that same open door.....is closed...that light and growth is my darkness stunted....collapsed on the self.....this writhing emanation.....of silent tears....a well of flooding sorrow...for what am I weeping...I am so tired.....