Quote:
Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006
This stood out for me as I read through the posts here. Ok you may think that the fact that she's manipulative and wants her own way may be something that invalidates her opinion but I would say that the opposite is true.
What do I mean? Well she is a similar personality which you think is manipulative. She has no stake in this and is in an unbiased viewpoint. There is likely no ulterior motive but.. as a person that may have been guilty of the same behaviors, she may be in the best position to actually evaluate better what is going on. You, on the other hand, have a lot at stake here, you're biased by your caring for him and attachment. You have reason to hope that you're not wrong because well, who wants to be wrong about who they choose to be with? We as humans tend to overlook the obvious especially when we are attached to someone that we love and hope to spend a lifetime with. if I were you I would take into consideration your sister's opinion, that is, unless you have a relationship which would give her reason to have an ulterior motive, if you believe she is speaking from the heart and cares for your well being genuinely, most likely she sees something going on that you cant' admit to yet.
Also you repeated more than once the lack of violence, as if you need to justfy that his anger is ok. This is a problem. It says that it is a concern for you and the way that you word it really sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself that this will "never be" violent. By asserting it here more than once not only are you justifying that his anger is that of acceptable level, but if you're supported in this thinking it helps you to gain confidence that you're right in accepting his anger.
you have to be on one side of the fence or the other. Either it is acceptable that his anger is what it is (as you seem to try to justify with the lack of violence) or you need to face the fact that even without abuse or violence it is affecting your relationship very negatively.
You can't change him. You can communicate with him, but go beyond the follow up apologies from him and make him aware of the negativity he is causing. He will not do anything unless he cares for you enough to listen to this. This is the test of whether or not he is worth of being your lifetime mate. If he isn't willing to change, he's more committed to his ways than he is of being with you.
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I appreciate you taking the time to read through this threat and reply.
You make a really good point! She is my sister and we have always been very close. I know that she wants what's best for me and her opinion is that I can do better than my current partner. I had not thought of that myself and it takes off some of the agitation I felt towards her in the belief that she was just telling me what to do because she never liked him.
I have thought about if I am clouded by love, or all his good qualities. It is the reason I have posted on here. I have doubted a future with him because of his anger issues (among other things). While I do sense that this is a flaw of his I am wondering if this is a flaw that can be improved upon, or one I am willing to put up with. Mostly I worry about this issue for the rest of my life. We are in our early/ mid 20s and I can't predict if this will lead to unhappiness when we buy a house and share finances. Most of all as someone who wants children I worry what this would look like if we ever get to that point.
I said at first that it isn't violent to explain that the situation is not quite at that extreme. Additionally I said it again because my family kept asking me if it was violent and I wanted to prove to them. As someone who has stuffered through trauma in both childhood and again in my late teens I have had huge trust issues, especially with males, so maybe somewhere deep down inside of myself I will always wonder if everyone in my life would hurt me. My inquiry on this forum is mostly questioning if it is my own paranoia, my families worries, or valid red flags that have lead to this feeling of uncertainty with my boyfriend. Which is to say questioning what is "normal".
We have taken the first step of talking it through in a calm, open, and understanding way. Now he needs to take the next step of doing something about it.