Raspberry, you need disability and you have a small child...I have no doubt it will be a blessing for you and taking some classes just for fun sounds perfect.

Cash, you have my admiration for caring for 5 kids while working. I would never be capable. I wanted a big family but knew I could not work while having one and I've had mental illness since age 14 at least which always kept me from having the large family I desired.

WC, you are always so reassuring and kind.

Right now the only thing I have going for me is my meds are regulating my sleep in a way I never thought possible. This is HUGE and gives me hope. My nerves are still on fire though, like tiny little beings are inside me strumming in them and lighting them ablaze. I need to get help with this. A lot of my issues are PTSD related and I don't know if it's possible to ease them, but now that I recognize them perhaps.

Our finances are out of control. Living in Northern California on disability is not reasonable. I can't leave my parent though and my mom has so many friends here and says California is her home. How can I move away from them? But we can't afford to stay either. I feel so stuck. My husband has Family in Arizona and it's more feasible financially to move there, plus we'd have built in family if we did. If I could get back to work, I could stay near my parents. I can't imagine being away from them. I've been attacked for being on disability. People look at me and think I've had an easy life....they assume so much based on how I look. They have no freaking clue. I'm not stupid so I judge myself too. My mind is wasted. It had potential, so much if it before I was attacked by groups of people 4 times I was on a much different path. I'm happy with my life in many way, and sad in many others. I don't know what I'm capable of. Working full time is not possible, this I know. But if I found a part time job making 20 bucks an hour I'd be bringing in more than I am currently. What could I go to school for? What could I be? What do I want to do? What am I capable of? What jobs out there would fit me? I don't know the answer to these questions. Does anyone know? Does anyone know where I could find these answers?

My kids are grown....when they were young I had my hands full....they both have special needs....they liked spending time with me when younger but not so much anymore. They still need me so much though. But not in the same ways. I'm not even well inside my house, let alone outside of it. Perhaps I just need to focus on getting well inside first, but I feel I might need something outside to get well inside. Am I making sense? Every time I get my head above water, something happens with the kids or family and I'm drowning once again.

Thank you for listening.