The thought that I might not get better is a frightening thought.

My own story is very complicated. I have several life-altering conditions. I have been "totally medically disabled" for 30+ years now. I was never expected to get better, said my doctors. Initially, I was not expected to live very long, either.

With all conditions, there has been progression and they have become even more difficult to treat. Some are unresponsive to treatments.

I have relapses, usually followed by eventually improving a bit.
Overall, my daily functioning is more impaired than it was 10 years ago, for instance.

My pdoc describes my two modes of functioning as: "...doing poorly and less poorly, yet still poorly."

When I was younger, I used to ignore the doctors words when they'd told me they did not expect me to fully recover. I remained, for the most part, positive and hopeful. (This was how I'd coped.) 30 years later, I find myself grappling with the reality of the time passed and with how I still struggle so much in order to function minimally.

My current inner crisis is exactly that: "What if I don't get better?"

I know some of my physical conditions will not get better; yet, may be manageable. I need my mind strong to keep up the fight though and this depression has been so incredibly discouraging. It's looking like it's treatment-resistant. Again.

My physical conditions are full of pain and fatigue, which exacerbates the depression.

I keep pushing with every ounce of my being in order to do the basics each day, I still fail some days. If I did not push, it would be a disaster: not showered, not dressed, no meals, etc.

I am taking 4 meds just to try to address the depression. (I am taking other meds for the physical conditions.) I am dedicated and don't miss a dose. I am not only dedicated, I am so desperate, I don't dare to miss a dose.

What if I don't get better?

My pdoc and I have been talking about this very subject, as have my husband and I. I feel like a huge failure and as though I am really letting my husband down.

The idea of not getting significantly better is frightening and is sad.

Heart-to-heart, Elsa.


WC