I used to have friends. Well, at least I think they were friends, but I guess I've never really understood friendships. The friendships with the ones I was closest too were destroyed because of my sexuality.

Speaking of that, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to have friends at all because I'm in a relationship. And you're not supposed to be friends with the gender you're attracted to right? And I'm bisexual, so it would be wrong for me to have friends according to that logic. And despite me trying to suppress the hell out of it, I still have too high of a sex drive. I would be found out if I ever tried to get remotely close to people. People in the past have called me creepy.

I'm sure it's morally wrong and I'll be judged severely for it, but I have a very masculine personality and I've always wished I could have male friends. We would have way more in common, but since I was born with the wrong "equipment", they wouldn't be comfortable with me around unless I were sleeping with them and even if I WERE available, little to none would be interested. So that's out.

Even ignoring all the issues with sexuality and gender, I've never been good enough to associate with my peers, the ones I have tons in common with. It's not about meeting people, it's about finding people I'm good enough to be around. Unfortunately, they don't really exist.

The most recent therapy did a lot of harm to my self esteem and made me believe that I was supposed to just give up and quit going after my dreams. That I'm just a joke or something. I'm not sure I want to pursue therapy again for a long time. Besides, I probably won't have insurance at the end of the summer so it won't be as possible anyway. Self-help books have had a similar effect as well...

So, there's not really any answers or hope. I guess I just want to understand why other people are able to have friends and not feel like they're doing something wrong/immoral. I guess it goes back to having a sex drive. Is there a way to just completely ignore it so friends could be a possibility?