I'm not lying when I say I am so depressed right now. Things are happening (or not happening?) at home so my home life is weird. I'm out but I'm not really OUT because me being queer makes my grandma uncomfortable. I can't talk about any parties I go to, any events I go to, any crushes I have, anything in the news that's queer related because 1) it makes my mom uncomfortable because she is afraid of what my grandmother would say and 2) my grandmother literally looks so disgusted that she looks like she'll throw up. My mom accepts me but she's afraid of my grandma (and that is what years of abuse does to you, so I understand my mom's view but...my grandmother can't keep getting away with things). My grandma was emotionally abusive and sexually inappropriate with me as a child on top of me being molested so now I'm dealing with the repercussions of all of these things by myself at the age of 25.

I have to deal with my grandma thinking that me being gay is worse than me being molested because, "The past is the past and nothing can be done about that, but you're gay NOW." I have to deal with my grandma victim blaming me and saying it's basically my fault that she and my mother never confronted my perpetrator's family because, "You didn't REALLY tell us what happened", "You didn't tell us on the same day it happened", things like that. "If we confronted them, people would have looked at us differently". All my fault. I was 5 year old. FIVE.

My gender transitioning is such a long process. I came out to my mom as nonbinary a couple of weeks ago and it went alright, but she doesn't know I want top surgery. I don't want to take testosterone but I really want top surgery and the process for that is going to be so long and expensive because I'd like to do that when I have a job and my own apartment, which is another thing.

This job search isn't going well. I went straight through high school to college to grad school so my job search would be easier but it's not. It's horrible. When you're little they tell you that you have to know what you want to do by the time you're 10 years old and then you have to get good grades to go to a good high school, same thing for college, and grad school is "optional" (although now it's becoming mandatory because of the price of living). And you make plans and do all of these things...and you still struggle.

My whole life has been a struggle. Can't I have something easy for once...?

Then dating, jfc. Being black and queer is a recipe for loneliness because the amount of people who've told me they don't find black people attractive is astounding. And this isn't just from white people. It's also from other people of color. You see this in the media, you see this in real life, you see people fetishizing us, and it is so discouraging. I would love to spend part of my life with someone. I would love to learn and grow with someone. I would love to vibe on multiple levels with someone. But it is so hard...And you try and you get out there only for people to say, "Oh, you're black, sorry..."

I am just so lonely, and I'm beginning to realize that people put their significant others (SO) above their friends. I have a friend, my best friend, who I was supposed to hang out with this week, and they said they couldn't hang out because they're studying for an exam. So I said I completely understand (which I do; I want them to pass it so badly!). But then I went on SnapChat the weekend before and saw her hanging out with her girlfriend in the borough I live in. And I felt so sad. Whenever we hang out, 99% of the time she invites her girlfriend. But for this she didn't think, "Well Starry lives in the same borough literally 20 minutes away by train COMBINED with walking to the destination. We should invite them!" But no, she didn't. I know that that's my best friend's girlfriend but it would be nice if I could just hang out with my friend alone for once without her inviting her girlfriend...

I may be making a big deal out of these things and I'm sorry. But I am so alone and I feel so stagnant. What was the point of making plans for my life if it was going to be hard to get it started anyways? I should have taken my time, worked after college, have fun, then go to grad school.

Sometimes I feel like it'd be better if I didn't exist because I make my family uncomfortable.

If you read through all of this, thanks so much. I truly appreciate it.