Elsa,
I wish I had better words or advice to give, and I am sorry about the pain you have been through and are still struggling with. I do know that no matter how hard those of us with BP fall, I know it is important for us to try to focus on the fact that we are human. We are more than just our illness.

BP sucks so much. I can relate to feeling I'll "never get better." I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately, rapid cycling and severe anxiety...but DBT is something I've found useful, but sometimes it doesn't work when my symptoms are severe. It's an uphill battle. I think it's great you have interests and are exploring hobbies. Please remember this illness doesn't define who you are; even if it may feel like it. Take care of yourself.