Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Walking through my mom being in fragile health. I'm feeling myself shift or try to. It's too many triggers at one time.
Things have come up between my brother and me. I don't think he understands and I don't want to explain and "hurt" him. That's not really it but I don't have words.
There are so many things that I have fragments of that I don't think he does. There are some things that he was too young to even know.
He clings to my mom for safety. I never had that option. He's her favorite and I'm
Ok with that. She tells me that when he was born that God told her that she wouldn't have him for long. She has strived from that and he is 47. I'm not judging in any way. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it.
I don't know how to explain my detached connection with my mom when his is so secure. I don't know how to explain to him why I went home tonight, with her in ICU, and he's sleeping in the waiting room.
A part of me is angry and hurt that I'm not there too. I don't want to be. I just feel it.
I don't want to lay myself out and try to explain who I am to him. He is so close to her that I feel like I would be thrown under the bus. He would sell me out. That's not good of me to think.
If I told him all that I have, he would make excuses and gaslight me.
I don't know.
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I feel like I am experiencing a lot of what you are talking about. My mom is in post-acute, and she'll probably never get out of there but to go back to a hospital. I was her care-taker... well, a part of me was. I'm expected by my family to go see her but I just can't. Only Bear, who cared for her, wants to see her. The rest of us find it too destabilizing. Too many memories, too painful. One of my sisters just can't understand, and there is no way I can possibly explain it to her. Of course we went together on Mother's Day, and she remarked at how "well" I did handling the visit. It wasn't me. It was Bear. After that I was wiped out and lashed out at another family member for no reason. I had a nightmare. I just can't. And I can't handle my sister's grief on top of all of it. She didn't have the same experience growing up. And I think there is some denial going on as well. Another sister has only been to see mom once. Her experience was as bad as mine but she has no open memories, just a whole lot of pain and loathing and guilt. I don't bring anything up with her because she can't handle any of it and I'm in no position to help her.