Your wife is very confused too. Some of that is explained in the links I posted. I still think you should print those links and give them to her to read. What happened to both of you as a couple was how you stopped engaging each other and as you mentioned became "just" room mates. That is something that creates a need that made both of you vulnerable to engaging in some kind of outside relationship. That is something that happens in a lot of relationships.

If your wife "learns" about what she really experienced when she engaged in that relationship and how it gave her that high and how when that fell apart she hit a low that has confused her, it will help her understand WHAT really happened instead of how she is so confused about it.

It's not surprising that you are confused right now. Her suddenly suggesting you move back in probably has a lot to do with how she wants to find some way to feel "safe" again. Sometimes what that is really saying is more of moving towards what one knows, but, that doesn't mean it will actually provide the needed sense of "safety and security".

Your wife is genuinely suffering from "low" self esteem. She has been struggling with that for a while and then when she caught you engaging with another woman, it really "threatened" her. All these cold looks, rejections, indecision's, she has exhibited are all connected to how much she HATES the way you made her feel so completely vulnerable.

If I think back on my own challenge when it came to my own husband who did more than you because he actually did cheat on me. He hurt me deeply, and to this day, that is something I never stopped hating. I never stopped hating how I now have that life experience along with that hurt that is "part" of me. Truth is, we never forget the things or people that "hurt" us in our lives.

IMHO, all her actions have been expressing the depth of her "hurt". Her effort to spend time with her friends and that other man was all part of how much she needed that "hurt" validated. Her statements to you about "you can't tell me who I can be friends with", is really more about "you can't decide the degree of my hurt".

When someone is "hurt" how deeply that person is hurt has a lot to do with their personal history too. From what you have shared, it sounds like your wife was always some kind of "dependent". She never really had a chance to build her own self esteem. BE, her own person. What she has been doing "now" in her life is making up for that by going back to school, choosing to be a RN and even choosing to have different friends.

When she says to you, "you don't fit" for me now. What she is really saying in that statement is that when you make statements to her that are like "orders", that is something she no longer wants in her life. She is going through a stage that she should have gone through at a much younger age.
This is a stage where a person "wants" to have the control and make choices for themselves. Even if that means the person makes some wrong choices.

You talk about "your" hopes and dreams right? I think you have to sit and think about that and make sure this is not "all about YOU". Do you put her in a place where it's all about you? Unknowingly? Or, do you put her in a place where she is allowed to grow as a person too? I am suggesting this because a lot of people think about their future/goals in an all about me mindset without actually realizing they are doing this and how that can be unhealthy in a relationship.

She has made it a point to say, "I do not want to go back to how things were". Well, she was a mother and a wife, but she did not really have her OWN identity.

When you are in the room with her, it does remind her of that "hurt" she felt (I know exactly how this feels first hand) and if your relationship is EVER going to move forward, she has to "slowly" learn how to see you in a different way. Part of that includes her feeling she is free to develop her sense of self esteem and have a chance to become someone instead of feeling like someone will be right there to threaten that. A lot of this is "emotional" in her and that is something that she genuinely has not figured out how to articulate. No even to herself.

As far as that other guy, well, that was attractive in that it was "her" choice. That's really what she was fighting for when she kept replying to you that "she will be friends with whomever she chooses" while you wanted to control that in her. He listened to her in a way you don't, and that made her want more. And he got his ego fed because her wanting him fed "his" ego which is probably missing in his marriage.

What is important for this to go forward in any way is how you have to tell her that you genuinely want her to continue to move forward in her effort to gain her sense of "self" and that you are no longer interested in her life having to revolve around "you". IMO she is no longer interested in going back to that kind of relationship with you.