Dear T,

When you said to me about the lots of thoughts that may come up, and to just sit with them, or something like that, was that your way of saying 'please don't email me'?

I don't know, but that's how it seemed to me. Maybe because of the way you were sat today. I am sorry I left it until so late, and I am sorry that we had to run massively over because you needed to then make that right. You did make it right, so thank you, I just wish you had noticed I was struggling earlier, because it would have been easier for me to say something. I was done the first time it got hard. I don't even remember what we were talking about but I know it was too complicated for me at the time. But then we went somewhere else too. Again, I can't remember. I could listen again, but I am not sure that I want to.

Maybe some point I will, because then I might notice that I don't give any indication of my brain about to explode. Or implode. Or something.

Thank you for thinking if the notepad. I think it might be handy. And it shows me you think about me. I really am starting to believe that, you know.

What I don't understand is how what we were talking about today carried on from last week. It probably did, but I don't know. I am really confused right now, but I will try and sit with it and not bother you.

What sticks out for me from the session is the story about the ladybird. The salmon (though does that mean you think that I have had some big struggles). The drawing you did of the way I 'have' to shut down so much that I just end up shutting it all down.

Oh, and when I said it was my body doing the shutting down I only said that because logically, it can't be my brain if my brain is the bit saying it is safe and OK. But then you said that the brain could be in two halves and the reptilian brain is what is shutting me down. So then surely it figures that it might not be my body at all. But then you said that the body triggers the reptilian brain. Oh my god. I am honestly totally confused about it all.

And really, what the hell does it matter anyway?