Today, little hope, lots of fear.

I've been married now for 8 years and in the past couple of years I've bounced back and forth between the title: Hope and Fear. I so so so so wanted our marriage to work; When we married I felt as if the universe aligned and we were fated to be together. And I hoped and hoped and worked and worked on being a good dad and a good husband.

But in the end I can't: I feel like it would be wonderful to feel loved and protected and cared for. But I dont feel that way at all: I feel fear, I feel I am assaulted daily, weekly, metaphorically and literally--when I walk around my apartment I think, oh yes, there's the door she smashed and I patched up, there,s the blank space on the wall where she smashed the picture... And every two weeks when my wife is screaming that i should get my s**t and move out or she's moving out, and then there's the laundry list of complaints and accusations and violence despite all that I have spent far too much time hoping I'll be able to fix it, and read her mind and be able to be the perfect husband and perfect dad...and yet I understand whatever makes her mad NOW it'll be something else next week or next year and she'll always say it's somebody else's fault and she's the victim.

So as scary and depressing as separation and divorce is going to be, I'm so miserable now being at the malevolant mercy of this woman that I'd rather risk the misery of not having money or credit or a place to live. Okay that's it, sorry to complain on and on.