Well I have come completely full circle after how I felt last night post-session. I was ready to quit therapy for good last night (sorry to anyone who read my temper tantrums before I deleted them!) but after a whole lot of thinking and self-reflection today and a very very helpful response from t (I had emailed her yesterday when I got home before I started on the wine lol, told her a little how I felt and that I was mad at her for doing her job so well in drawing that stuff out of me) I am back on the "I can DO this" bandwagon. I had another insight on the way to work this morning and even thought about calling her to tell her - I just wanted to hear her voice for some reason - but she sent the email before I went to break so after I read her email, I didn't need to call her anymore.

She's really changing the way she works with me. And even though I'm kind of sad about it, I know it's for the best, because the way we were going, I was never going to leave. Maybe she finally caught on to that. Anyway she's morphing into this Super-Traditional T role that she's never been before! And there's a part of me that likes it and responds to it believe it or not. Maybe it was intentional all along... like, it took all the non-traditional stuff to get me to finally totally open up to her and stop trying to pretend I was something else. It took a very long time for me to get to where I don't care what she thinks about me and I "just say it" with everything. Even yesterday. I didn't even feel embarrassed which is sososo weird but instead I was looking right at her and just said what I realized about myself right out loud as I realized it and put my hand over my mouth as my tears started...

Therapy is hard, hard work. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm thankful for the attachment I have to her because it got me through last night without actually quitting so now we can get down to the business of working through this last big 'thing'. (I say "last", of course it might not be, but then again it's a pretty big thing and encompasses a few other smaller things so.... who knows.) Anyway I love my t. Again.