Hey. I am having some struggles at the moment. My H and I have not gotten along for years. Some many of the things he does drive me crazy. He has "RULES" and you have to follow the rules even if he is not there to see if they are being followed. Stupid rules like:

The blinds must be closed by dark, even if you are not home, you should anticipate not being home by dark thus closing the blinds before you leave.

The door can NEVER be left open. Not when it is hot in the house and cooler outside, not when you are carrying in groceries, not when you are carrying boxes to the car. The door can NEVER be left open. Even if he is not home, if he comes home and catches you with the door open, it is not good.

You MUST take your shoes off when you come in the house. Even if you are carrying in groceries, you must take your shoes off each time you come threw the door. You must take your shoes off if you need to take 4 steps to the left just to refill your coffee before you dash outside.

*we live in the country, our neighbors are with in shouting distance, if you can shout real loud. We have a gravel driveway so no dirt will get inside the house. We have a huge patio you have to walk across before coming inside. It's not like we live in the city and our neighbors can look in, or cars driving by can see in. It's not like there is dirt or mud outside. H would never let that happen.

I just get tired of living my life according to the "RULES". The T asked me today why do I tolerate these rules. I started crying and told her because he will get mad at me. If he gets mad at me he will cut me down to size. The emotional damage he does when he is angry is so hard to explain. I cried an told her my entire life is lived with the mindset of "Please don;t bet angry." I do all I can all the time to make him happy, to make his life simpler, and to make sure he does not get angry at me or the kids. That only feeds the Stockholm Syndrome.

Some days my H is so cold and calculated. His words are meant to hurt. Little things like "Is it really to much to ask that you vacuum the car every week" or "If you'd try harder you could lose weight, hell just stay awake, thta would help." (Depression doesn't allow for that) or "If you weren't so lazy you might have gotten that wash room clean today." He can go on and on and throw insults, or give the silent treatment for days on end, and then he comes around and slaps your butt and expects you to hand out sex. He acts like he was never angry and you are an idiot for "Making up such crazy stuff." Then the next day he is super friendly, and texts nice messages, takes you out to eat, you know, he treats you like you are human. Then just as soon as you start to think "I can do this, I can live like this" he snaps and flips out again over every little thing.

It is that back and forth that drives me crazy. It is his rudeness and then him saying I NEVER SAID THAT, and the rules, it is the rude comments, it is the fear of not pleasing him that keeps me held captive.

I am a grown woman, and I have to ask before I do anything. Can I go to the mail box, can I open the door, can I turn on the air conditioner, can I go to the library, can I go to my parents house, can I go walking. I can;t just go. HE drives me crazy.

The T agrees he really IS driving me crazy. He is setting up and building brain patterns that are detrimental. If I stay I will be in a facility somewhere, my kids could develop anxiety, become cutters. Anytime I leave I always seem to return. It is like I miss the abuse. It is like I jsut can't learn to live with out it. We have been married over 20 years now, so it is a way of life, but damn, why would I not run from this. Why would I ever return to it.

IDK what I am looking for answers wise. I guess I just needed to be heard. Thank you for listening. Any feedback you have would be greatly appreciated.