I'm flagging today. Finding it tough to be 'here' again. Wondering whether this emotional release I'm working towards will be the end of it, or not. My friend tells me I'm putting too much weight on this crying thing, but if I've never allowed myself to go there, how do I know whether that's true?

The relentlessly shifting support system is difficult to handle. The same friend who asks me 'If you had a really good cry, would that be the end of it?' is the person whom I no longer feel comfortable talking with about this.

When I ask you for reassurance, it's good to hear that I'm safe. It's so good to hear that I'm safe...but there's another angle. I'm worried about becoming stuck, so I need to hear that this will pass. I'm trying hard to believe it, but not getting there yet.

Next time I see you, I must show you the poem I wrote to her. I think that explains more of where I am than I could possibly hope to at the moment.

'I almost forgave you for dying
There are no kind words
When you left me like this'