i've just been having so much trouble i cant understand it

yeah, ok, i have substance abuse problems, anyone in my shoes would too

and yeah, ok, i have self harm problems - i dunno if others in my shoes would too or not but whatever ... i hurt ALOT

i am going through soo much ... i lost a friend, someone i thought was a friend... yeah, we didnt know each other that long, but i opened up to her and thought we were gonna be good friends ...

i realized that reality really ****ing sucks ...

i realized that my life really ****ing sucks...

im ****ing broke, and am severely sick, mentally ill, disabled, cant work - but being put in a position because i cant get on disability to where im having to seek employment and im scared as ****ing hell

yeah, today im feeling better, im so grateful that the pain is alleviated --- why is it alleviated? i dont care!!! DONT COME BACK THOUGH!!! but i know it will, why? because im sick ....

learning that i have like severe personality issues, got this appointment with a new therapist, but its a DUDE! and im nervouse, uncomfortable, scared, and just ... dont know what to expect with it ... but he is supposed to be a specialist so i am just hoping that it will be ok and that he can understand me and help me to understand me

i am so tired of everything, im so tired of the agony
i just want it to go away
im so tired of being suicidal, im so tired of the pain
i just want it to go away

i just want to go away

why cant everything just be ok

i just want to be ok

i dont want to cry anymore

i dont want to hurt anymore

it hurts so bad

i didnt know it could hurt so bad

i dont know

and no one understands....

and it pisses me off... because people try to understand...
and they say they understands... but i know they ****ing dont get it...
how can they understand when its happening to me and i dont even ****ing understand....
****...

i hate my life

i wish i had a significant other to hold....

im so alone....

i hate being alone...

ive always been so alone.... why do i have to go through this so alone...

im so tired

someone please hold me... i dont wanna do this anymore... i feel like im sitting at the bottom of the well...

i've already drowned... yeah im dead... but the pain hasn't stopped...