I keep trying to write this post, but then I am exhausted by trying to explain what has happened with my now-ex-therapist.

Has anyone here dealt with long-term therapy that was unethical and possibly emotionally abusive? And yet loving that person and being terrified of ever losing them.....

Basically, i'll try to explain... I was seeing a therapist 2-3 times a week for 3 years. Supposedly doing "attachment work." Our boundaries were always very blurred. I had 24/7 access to him, we had a lot of physical contact, got together outside of sessions, would use my sessions to go out to eat together sometimes, tons of personal disclosure... but also a LOT of what I'm beginning to see were mind games......such as telling me when he had a sex dream about me and about his physical response to it...or telling me when he thought his ex may have had another baby and soliciting my help in trying to track that down via internet stalking... but then randomly deciding to slam down boundaries that made no sense like "I'm not going to tell you what the job I'm interviewing for is."

2 months ago, he told me he *may* be moving away for a new job.
a month later, it was official, he was definitely taking the job.
Then he was diagnosed with cancer.

We're trying to maintain a friendship, but right now, he's decided to completely ignore me -- pretty much feel like I'm being punished -- he's trying to punish me by ignoring me.

I'm. a freaking. mess.

It's so much more complicated than I can even explain here... but I'm just so lost. This person means more to me than anyone in the world -- he was my world -- I am typically willing to put up with any and everything as long as I get to keep him in my life, but now... I'm realizing maybe that's not the best idea... except I have NO idea how to detach from him... the idea of him not in my life is equivalent to the idea of dying for me.

Just.
I don't know what to do.
I'm coming to this realization that I may have just spent the last 3 years of my life paying over $30,000 out of pocket to just be hurt... I don't know what my role in it is...how much blame is mine. I don't know if it matters -- but it matters to me.

I'm seeing a new therapist now, but I'm struggling just to get through each day right now.

Also, I honestly want to just blatantly post his name here in case anyone else is seeing him, but just...ugh