Fair warning, this may be triggering to some.

I have completely convinced myself my son is going to die tonight. He is sick with a fever. Whenever he is sick I am on edge because I don't like seeing him sick, but tonight it's over the top. I just feel like I'm going to wake up to find him dead. It's not a high fever, he's just a little warm and he's congested and his cheeks are flushed. But I just...I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sleep. I'm certain he's going to die before I do, but I've mostly felt he will die in his early twenties. Now I'm afraid he will die in his sleep tonight.

I do this to myself on occasion. My mother was unexpectedly not home one day and not answering her phone so I assumed she had crashed her car and was dead. She wasn't. My brother and sister in law were supposed to be at my house and they were over an hour late and not answering their phones either and I just KNEW they had both died from carbon monoxide poisoning. But turns out they just got caught up in other things.

I know I'm overreacting to what is likely just an upper respiratory infection. But then I think of things like meningitis and febrile seizures and I just can't talk myself out of it.

As a child I used to convince myself *I* was dying. I'd watch some medical show on tv and then psych myself into having the same symptoms. It all started after my father died suddenly when I was ten.

People say that it's not going to happen but no one knows what could happen. My father died. Then two years ago (almost to the day - may 28) I woke up to find my husband dead of an overdose. I know that anyone can be ripped away from you at any time. No one can tell me otherwise because I've lived it.

I've checked on my son three times now. I am considering pulling him out of bed and having him sleep in my bed with me, but I don't want to disturb him. Plus what good would that do? If I'm asleep and he stops breathing I'm not going to wake up until it's too late. Just like with my husband. I still don't know exactly what time he died but I knew immediately when I saw the clock say 4:17am that I was too late.

I think my health anxiety is a trauma reaction. I've dealt with my husband's death fairly well but anxiety wise I'm right back where I was when I was ten. I never let my son out of my sight. I never let him play outside by himself or go off by himself in the park. He's only six so that's not too ridiculous but I don't know how I will handle it when he starts wanting more independence, if he makes it through the night tonight.

**** man. I know this is a therapy issue that I need to work through with my T. Meds won't help ****ed up thinking.

I feel like if anyone else died I would be fine but I don't know if I could ever recover from losing my son.

I just needed to get this out. Maybe get some reassurance from the group that I am overreacting and he will be ok.