so im trying to come back to reality

its really hard

i dunno whats been going on with me...

im hoping that either i dont have to figure it out or that this new therapist can help me figure it out...

i just know that i have not been in the right mind... or in my mind... or all together...

its sort of like being semi aware, auto pilot, sort of... emergency mode... i dont know really how to explain what has been going on with me...

but im trying really hard to snap out of it...

im really embarrassed about it, but there is not much i can do about the things that have been going on while i have been in this state... ya know?
and i dont know what state i have been in... its not been fun... i've not really been in control... and im still not really in control, but i am fighting ... and trying to take control of my life

i want my life back, i want a life... i want to be happy, i want things to be ok and its up to me to make these things happen...

the stress and realizations of that has really hit me hard and caused alot of panic and anxiety... that i have to do this myself, because ive always been alone but yet never been alone my entire life... and i dont know if that makes sense...

always been alone ... but always surrounded by people...
but im at a point now where no one can do these things for me... where i have to step out of the shadows and actually wake up and do these things by myself... Alone.
but not alone... to seek help with a profesional, by myself - alone. without the shadows surrounding me... the enablers...

i dont know if that makes sense to any one, here... but thats what it says in my head...

im afraid... but at the same time im currently a bit happy, i know its partly because of my gabapentin... i dont know why that medication works so well for me but im glad i have it... im happy because im realizing some things... but its hard, because these things dont want me to know... its me fighting against myself...

i guess on a subconscious level... i want to change so bad, but on this deeper level i want things to stay the same, because i am so afraid of change, so afraid of being hurt, so afraid of everything... Fear....
so it makes me forget... i forget alot of things... i have realizations, but as quickly as they come... they can go...
its difficult to explain...

like waking up... when you are so tired... you keep falling asleep... into dreams... but trying to wake yourself up... you keep waking yourself up... but you cant open your eyes... but for a second you glance outward... and see the world... but with heavy eyes they close again... back into the dream... you are fighting... its such a war....

i dont know why i am going through this... but its really hard... and i am really alone... and afraid... but i am apparently really brave as well.... which i had no idea how brave i was... until recently... but how can i be brave... and be so afraid... at the same time...? my self... the conflictions are so confusing... you know?

i don't understand myself.... i am changing so drastically... i don't know who i am anymore... i dont know if i ever knew who i was... i dont think that i have ever known myself... i dont think i have ever had the chance to get to know myself because of everything that i have had to go through....

now i am discovering me.... the inside me.... who is me... the one sleeping inside....

not the one that has been on auto pilot for 27 years.... how is this possible...?

have anyone ever heard of such a thing...?
is this real...? it must be... i cant let it fool me anymore, i have to take over you know

i cant let it run me any more... i cant let it opperate like this anymore... i have to rewrite the script... the program must stop... it must end... its over... the war is over and i have to stop it.... im trying so hard... its ruining my life and i have to find a way to stop it...

i am trying so hard to come back to reality... i feel like i have not been here very long... i dont feel like i am in reality even now... i am not sure what reality is... i've been broken for a very long time... possibly my entire life... never having the chance to develop a healthy sense of self... a healthy way of life... of being... a healthy .. everything...

does that mean that i have been psychotic my entire life...?

i am deeply ashamed of myself... of having gone all these years like this.... failing to complete school... failing at so many things... because of all of this... or am i just coming up with excuses again...? finding things to blame... i dont know anymore... i dont want to come up with excuses... i dont really know what to do, i just want to stop it... i just want to fix it...
i dont want to be ashamed anymore... i want to be proud, to be able to say "look what i have been through, look how far i have come, and look how i have turned things around" look at the person i have become, i am some body now, look i know who i am today, i am this person...

instead of not knowing who or what i am... not knowing what is going on... not knowing what happened today... last week... or how many years have passed...

it causes me so much pain... but i am very numb right now... i am crying... but i dont feel anything.... but i am also high... just being honest, i know no one here wants to hear that... but .. yeah...

its my normal you know... i've said it before...

im crying i guess because it makes me so sad that i've lost so many years that i can never get back... ill never be able to know what its like to be a happy child... to be a kid growing up with friends playing on the play ground... ive never had friends.... what its like to be a teenager chatting with friends on the phone or computer... ive never had friends... or getting a car / job as a teenager and starting a normal life... as i cant drive due to ptsd and havnt been able to work because of the same....

maybe i pity myself... feel sorry for myself...shame.... it sucks...

grieving....

but im trying to come back to reality....... wake up.... focus....
i can change things now... i can make a difference now.... some how i can fix this....
there has to be a way to fix this.... some one has to be able to help me....
there has to be a way.... im just so afraid and alone.... i dont want to be alone anymore.... i've always been alone... and i want to change that first...

thats the first thing i want to change.... i dont want to be alone anymore....
i want to speak up... i want to reach out and tell people what is happening... so that maybe i can hear it inside and realize it... if i hear it coming from me then maybe it will stop... if others hear it and see it maybe they can help make it stop....
right...? because as long as im silent... it will continue running ... ruining my life....
thats how it operates... silence... in silence it will kill me... be silent... dont tell anyone... i dont know why... but ive never supposed to tell anyone my feelings.... so much so that i got confused on my own feelings... i dont understand my own feelings anymore.... or maybe i never understood my feelings... but the trick has always been to be silent... if i dont say anything... nothing is real... or something... my mind is getting really foggy...

i dont know how to say it... i cant put these things into words yet....
its just that... i've never opened up to anyone in my entire life.... ive always been closed... secret... and when things get too close i black out... but i have tools in place i guess to keep that from happening... i just want to fix this problem....

i have been trying to be who i want to be more... because i dont know who i am... so i have just been trying to be this person that i want to be... i hope that is ok... i am not pretending or anything... it feels natural... it feels real... it feels good... besides when i get triggered into a suicidal depressive state and just want to cut or kill myself...
but i am nervous about what other people think about me changing.... because its different i think... from the way i was... but i cant remember how i used to be....
so im just trying to be like this... the way that feels good and natural... trying to be real... trying to be me... trying to learn who i am... and allow myself to be me... tell myself its ok to be you, it doesnt matter what other people think... you are 27 years old... be you... whatever you want to be you can be...
it feels strange, but it feels good too... its scary, because i dont want people to yell at me... i dont know why im so scared of people to yell at me... since i am an adult... i should be like if you yell at me im gonna ***** slap the **** out of you! but im still not like that just yet.... but i am trying....

i just dont want to be alone anymore... i just want friends... i never had friends before, like someone i can talk to and be real with, like tell them "hey... i feel really bad can i talk to you...?"
i cant even imagine what that would be like... that feels so wrong, like that is such a bad thing to do to someone, to tell them you feel bad and ask to talk to them about your feelings... seems so wrong... but i want that, i think its supposed to be a good thing right..? people are supposed to help... some people are supposed to be friends like that... right...? i really don't know, im really asking...

i dunno... im going to stop writing... im really trying to come to reality...
its really hard... waking up is really hard when you have been asleep for so long....