Hey there friend. I haven't had the time or energy to get on and after reading your updates, wish I had made the time. I'm sorry that this is so difficult.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Well.... tonight's visit was not good. I was trying to buffer myself, but the little one wanted to love on her. That over road the buffering. She looks for the good always.
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This really jumped out at me and I'd like to share some of my story in the event that it's helpful; hope I don't miss the mark. Sonseearae is the same way...she's six years old btw, don't know if I ever told you that. Anyway, it's been many years since we first were able to be co-conscious. At first, I had nothing but contempt for her tendency to look for the good in the least deserving but it sort of grew on me little by little. I came to respect and even admire this trait in her eventually and now, well, she's my teacher and I'm just a barely worthy student.
But you know, I get to be angry at someone. She gets to forgive, forget, love and see the good at someone. Both have their place. I need to feel the anger, she needs to feel the love. We can honor both of our natures. So can you.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
A friend of my moms came and is going to be with her tonight. I just can't stay and listen to the ugly things my mom is saying right now. Her friend is not so emotionally knowledgeable or wounded.
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An observation that not everyone would recognize.
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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
I walked in and my brother and my mom's friend were in the ICU unit. I walked over to and told her that I loved her. No response.
My brother told my mom that her friend would be with her tonight so he could get some sleep. She tries to talk behind the oxygen mask and we can't understand her. He gives her a pen and she writes, "If you are standing here waiting for me to die just get a sledge hammer."
The vacuum happened and I wasn't there any more. I don't have words.
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You know what my biggest fear is? I've never told anyone - not my T, not my wife, no one - here it is: As disease and chronic pain wear me down, I fear that I will have healed and grown and lived only to end up a miserable, angry, spiteful person on my deathbed. I fear that - not death. Sounds like your mother is living my fear. So let me tell you now, while I'm still kicking, if that's how I end up, it wasn't anyone's fault but mine. Your mom isn't being miserable, angry, and spiteful at you - it's who she is. You deserved better and you still do. Deserving isn't the same as getting though, but the lack isn't about you.