It hasn't happened in a while, but every once in a while I get a flashback to a painful memory...

Like the time when I was a teenager and my brother was able to convince others in my youthgroup that I was naive and easy to fool. Others in the group decided to see if he was right, and took delight in telling me one lie after another and then laughing at my responses. One of the leaders, someone I had liked and trusted since I was a child took part as well.

I think those setups remind me of the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of a stranger when I was a child. I was lied to and fooled and it led to my sleeping in the bed of someone who molested me during the night.

I do tend to blame myself for my response at the youthgroup. Telling myself things like, "you should have been able to laugh it off." At the time it was just too confusing... But I still tell myself, "you should have been able to find a way to handle it."

I still fear that there is something in my personality that makes me susceptible to mind games like these. I fear that maybe I look like an easy target.

Even though those thoughts are painful, I resist the temptation to become like those who tortured me(and it does/did feel like torture some ways). I think they did pay, or will pay for that mentality (let's torture someone for the fun of it). Or perhaps the attitude was, "that guy is blind, let's mess with him." I find it hard to believe that people who have that mentality won't suffer some consequences related to that attitude.