Hi R,

I'm losing my words again. I'm hurting, again. It's hard to feel emotional pain and not know how to defuse it. The kind of 'little breakdown [sic]' you mentioned appears to be beyond me. I hold it together too well...this is the problem. I'm falling apart on the inside, and yet I need to be OK for everybody else's sake. I'm not comfortable with 'Poor you' or other manifestations of sympathy, and at the other end of the scale, pretending it isn't happening doesn't fly either.

Chances are we will end up talking about this some on the 8th, as another way of avoiding the conversation we really need to have. I need to make peace with the fact that bringing all this out into the light was never going to be painless. I'm going to need you to help and guide me to that place where it is safe to fall apart.

Half of this isn't what I want to say, but hopefully you can discern the pertinent bits. I'll try not to email during your holiday, but I can't promise anything.