I keep looking at the last lines of your post and the utter confusion they portray, and how that contrasts with your boldly asserted death wish in the opening. See yourself in trouble, in danger, as needing help, not in control. Sounds like there are some people trying to help you. In a hospital, you can really let go for a while. I mean just flop. Freefall for a bit. They'll keep you alive, and you won't need to spend anymore energy than you are now. It's not always this way, you said so yourself. I really hope you get to a safe place to get through this part of it.