i just wanted to add that i really don't think that i have dissociative identity disorder...

i can't have that...

i'm going to talk with this new therapist and hopefully he really is a specialist and is able to tell me whats going on... hopefully i will actually be able to get a "team" of people to work with finally... come to my senses and get to the bottom of things...

because the people that i have been working with have not been able to help me... nor have they really tried to get to the bottom of whats going on... i dont know why, but they are not very interested in getting into the details of my story and whats going on with me... it would seem, retrospectively, that they just want to label me as bipolar because of my ups and downs and troubles with ptsd and anxiety.... then treat me with psychiatric medications and get me to go to therapy... without really trying to figure it out...? i dont understand it honestly and im hoping to get rid of them soon and replace them with new people that will be interested in my story and that will actually listen and try to get to the bottom of whats going on with me...

because going to this clinic that i have been going to has not really helped me for the past 7 years and maybe has even hurt me more... maybe not.. im not going to point fingers or blame anyone... but i hope atleast someone understands what i mean...

i just wanted to say that because i feel embarrassed about my escapades going in circles with confusion about what is going on with me...
but i am going through hell... confused as hell.. hurting like hell... blinded as hell.. its just absolute hell... and im lonely as hell too.. and no one seems to be able to help me... and i dont have anyone to talk to either... no where to go to try to figure things out.... so maybe all this mess i did here helped me get to this point here... where i am now... so what ever i did here... all the chaos....
im sorry, and im thankful for any of the helpful guidance anyone has offered...

its dark out here... lost, alone... and just having someone say a few words sometimes lights up so much if even only for a moment...

so i just hope that i've never offended anyone or hurt anyone...

i don't know whats wrong with me really... but i am going to figure it out, soon, i hope... with new profesionals... people that actually care i hope...

im just honestly scared of whats going to happen tomorrow... not that anything special tomorrow... but just because its another day... and scared that i may wake up in a different state... wake up in hell... wake up feeling like "that" again... and i dont want to feel that pain anymore... i just dont know why it happens... why one little thing someone says or does can do me like that... or a dream even... can make me hurt so much.... i hate it you know?
but im trying to learn to deal with it... in different ways... to handle it... cope.. i have to learn new ways... but anyway...

im probably going to stop posting in this forum... i just wanted to say these things before i did...

thanks for helping me to get to this point....