Hi T. I wish I had told you the other day how much I wanted to be able to come next week. I really wanted to continue the conversation around my big realization. Instead I acted like it was fine that you were changing my day and scheduled for 6/8 instead. Why did I do that? Why can't I just say what I want? I would have been able to come on 5/31 but I already have plans for after work on 6/1 that I can't change. I should have asked why you were telling me so last-minute. I should have told you that I really wanted to come next week.

I'm not mad anymore, I feel pretty good actually, I've done some writing about the stuff we were discussing and I talked with h about it, but I still wish I could come next week and process it more while it's still fresh. But I am too stubborn to call you and ask you to work me in somehow prior to Thursday.

Oh well. I think perhaps it's good for me to deal with this on my own. Maybe I'll learn that it's not so much you, but me, figuring this stuff out and that I can do it without you.

I wish I could call you right now and talk to you. I've never called you at night before, and I won't now, I just, well, I just want you is all. You sitting there accepting me despite what I said makes it possible for me to start accepting it too so I can change and move forward, but when I'm sitting with it here by myself it's really hard to keep from falling back into that cycle of self blame/self hatred where I get stuck and moving forward is not possible. I just keep telling myself over and over that I can't go back, nobody can, all I can do is learn from it and change and move forward.

I really want to talk to you right now.