The whole princilple about cutting i get, it's not good... I need to learn to deal with things in a healthier way.. etc..
But, what if it is because of my ablilty to cut that is keeping me alive..? I mean, I can go for a few days.. maybe even a week without cutting, but sooner or later, i always slip.. I feel sooo horrible when I do too, however, I also feel like I can go on..

I feel like, without cutting, i would be dead by now.. But that cutting has given me the opportunity to help to many others, by repressing all of my pains inside, and opening up to take on someone else's burdens..

Right now in particular, cutting has helped me feel real, when I've felt so dead.. And numb.. Im not happy i cut, however, it has helped me in ways, i would have been completely lost without it.. As much as i hate knowing i cant deal with things like a lot of other people do, i have to.. im completely addicted to cutting.. and it seems no matter what i do to distract myself from it, i always have to turn to it.. it always seems to be "just one more time"...

I'm supposed to be working with my therapist in finding healthier ways of coping and dealing with things.. however, i always have that urge to cut.. Even though part of me wants to stop cutting, there is that part of me that fears stopping, because i may just break down completely, and fall apart..

I try to talk to people about it and form a support group for myself, but everyone im close to seems to be afraid of dealing with this.. its like im aome kind of leper.. and im gonna spread my disease all around.. ugh.. i hate this.. i hate life.. im so sick of it all.. i just want to stop dealing with all of this...

Believe me, i am trying... i really am.. im just not strong enough..