Hi everyone, if you've been following my messages for the last few months -- weeks? -- I've been having serious rages. I bashed my cell phone with a hammer and killed it, among other lovely things I did.

But my sister reminded me today that there was a period of time when I did not have rages. Of course, growing up and up till I got good medical and therapeutic care when I was 54, I had rages. At home. I was raised to be pretty good at covering them up in public, but on any job I had, I would become very grim, and sometimes walk off the job -- for good.

So the period of time when I didn't have rages -- years and years, with good meds! -- I only had one or two a year! Now, I have 2-3-4 a WEEK. They take place at home, but outside the home I can be extremely rude. esp. to people on jobs where they supposedly know what they are doing, but screw things up. Very common. Actually, I do remember over 20 years ago, when I worked at an office job in a high rise, I was on the elevator one time, and some other women who worked in a different office, were discussing their jobs. One said, "Well, NOBODY knows what they are doing!" My job was the same way.

Things keep changing. The technology changes so fast, and job descriptions and duties change fast, too. Decades ago, people received on-the-job training. We were actually on the job, and got paid. Now, the community colleges have tricked people into believing they will get sufficient training to enter the workforce fully prepared. So the colleges charge more and more and more for tuition! Instructors and administrators get paid jobs! The students pay. This training is often pretty superficial. But employers probably like this, because then they don't have to pay novices, and when a novice comes to work, they are expected to figure this all out for themselves. Very stressful, of course, plus they mess up because like the woman said, "nobody knows what they are doing."

So I get rude because of their incompetence. Some of them have actually never been to a different part of the building where they work, and can't even give people directions on how to find another office!!But that's actually understandable -- they are so overworked, they are not allowed to explore the building, or make a map, except if they want to do that on their own exhausted time! I had that experience recently, at a convoluted maze of a hospital, trying to find the lab for a blood test. I was rude to maybe 12 people, as I wandered all over, trying o figure out what directions they were trying to tell me.

I must get better meds asap. I see my pdoc on June 8. This has been and is getting worse and worse!!! My therapist has tried to work with me to find tools/ways to cope with rage. But rage is instantaneous! I even have suspected that it's a form of seizure! True seizures, as we know, are unconscious. People fall unconscious But we as bipolars are definitely conscious in rages, just can't control when they instantly start, then the rage builds and builds, once it does start. That's my situation, anyway.