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Old May 28, 2017, 02:51 AM
Olive303 Olive303 is offline
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Member Since: May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
Yes, it is possible, perhaps. I don't think it is good for a woman to move in with a man, unless she pretty much has decided that she is very much in love, and loved, and thinks this will be permanent. I don't really believe in living with a man to try him out, like test driving a car you might buy. I think people should date, until they are sure they want to be together.

I don't think you would move in with a guy just to see what it's like. I think you do love this guy and want to be with him. But part of you has never emancipated yourself from your family of origin. So you staying with him seems to depend on whether you can stand the tension this creates with your family.

Something you said strikes me as very naive and pollyanna-ish: "I know my sister wants the best for me." Human motivation is way more complicated than that. Your sister - like all human beings - is best able to judge how something affects her, and she, naturally, wants that effect to be positive for her. She's responding to how she feels being around your boyfriend. Unless she is gifted with some super-human trait, she can't possibly know what is best for you. Both of my sisters selected husbands I would not have picked out for them. The man I'm with is not someone they would likely have picked out for me.

I can believe that somewhere in the world there probably is a guy who would be better for you than the guy you're with. But who says you're ever going to run into that guy? Is your sister going to find him for you? There's going to be something wrong with any guy you meet. That's how human beings are. Your sister, with her judgement unclouded by being in love, is easily going to see your guy's faults. But she can't see how being with him makes you feel. What she can see us how being around him makes her feel. You can't pick out a mate based on how that guy makes your mom and sister feel. Well, you can, but I think that would be kind of crazy.

I think your mom and sister are way out of line in trying to undermind your feelings for this man. Being prone to anger is a serious character trait that might totally turn off some women. That doesn't mean it has to be a "deal breaker" for you. You have to look at the total package of how this guy is put together, in terms of how you feel being with him. You're never going to get a guarantee of what your life will be like in 30 years.

Make up your iwn mind. Don't keep telling yourself that your family knows best. They don't. They can't. Your sister can decide what man is good for her. That's all she can figure out. Family does well to advise a member against getting involved with a total loser. This guy you're with doesn't sound like that. So the decision is harder, and you have to make it.

Your mom and sister are actually being very disrespectful of you by insisting that you made a bad decision being with this man. Also, it is disrespectful of the love you have for this man for you to be sitting with your family pulling this guy apart.

So back to the issue of you becoming your own person: develop some boundaries. It should not be okay with you for your family to denigrate your choice of a man to be with, as though you are some poor dummy who needs others to figure things out for you. If you go to a restaurant with your sis, does she order your food for you? Actually, it would be better for you to be with the wrong guy that you selected, than to be with a better guy that they picked out for you.


Thank you for your words and your time! Maybe you will never know the positive power your words had for me. I feel empowered just reading them. It's really nice to hear someone saying that my family is out of line/ disrespectful. It is so easy for others to see flaws when they are not in love. And no one can know what makes me happy better than myself. While my family has said "the choice is yours" they are still stopping short of outright telling me what to do and it's nice to have someone say that is not okay.

You are correct. I moved in with him because I love him and I can imagine a future with him. However I also need to search deep inside myself and decide if he truly is the one I want to spend my life with. I moved out of my parents house the day after my 18th birthday but even a few cities and a few states away they have always had an influence over me. After some years on my own I made the difficult decision of moving in with him and that is not sitting well with my family.

It makes perfect sense that she is responding to how she feels around him because she admitted to having never liked him and keeping it quiet for three years. Even if she does not know what's best for me she believes he is not what's best for me.

I never believed in soul mates- the idea that there's is only one person out there for each of us. I believe that we CAN possibly fall in love with multiple people in our life time. I also believe that, as you said, we may never find that other person. Or someone we meet early on can affect the way we see love and future relationships. I've never felt a love this strong before in my life and that is not worth outright throwing away for a flaw. As you said everyone will have some flaw or another and it is up to me to determine which flaws I am willing to deal with and which ones I am not. At this stage I am uncertain about my current boyfriend. No matter who I am with I can never predict if they will make me happy 30 years from now.

They do not go as far as ordering for me but they do urge me to take certain actions in life like how to spend my money, what decisions to make, jobs to have, etc.

Conclusion: I need to work on boundaries with my family while deciding for myself if my boyfriend is someone I want to be with forever given his temper.