Thank you Amyjay and Yagr! I've read both of your post several times and they have given me comfort and encouragement.

It's only my brother and me who can take care of mom. He doesn't have the wounds that I have from her and he is much more distressed at the thought of her feelings afraid and alone.

A part of me, the little one, feels that for her but is afraid to reach out to her with it. Like Sonseearae, she sees no bad in anyone and wants to always give love and understanding/compassion. She has been wounded too many times in her innocence of how people can be.

The 12 year old is her protection. The 12yo is angry but cannot express it. It's not allowed.

My counselor helped me get to a place last week. It's a suspended place of expectant silence.

The little one has never wanted to accept what has happened. She wants to keep believing that things will change. She wants to believe that the mom will see her for who she is, not the defiant, willful, disobedient girl she tells stories of and her correction and discipline that punished her.

I've had to come here, to the hospital, and sit with mom. She is very sick. The little one is in distress because time is running out. It may never happen. What the little one has always wanted and needed isn't going to happen it will never be. The 12yo is angry for the hurt and sadness the lo is feeling.

Here we sit. It's me, the little one and the 12yo. We are sitting on beautiful green grass with splintered white picket fence in a circle around us. We are sitting. We are waiting. There is a feeling of expectation. We aren't sure what we are expecting.

Compliance has stepped in to do the job of sitting here with mom. Compliance is a very exceptional care giver. Always asking if she needs anything, straightening covers, rearranging pillows and thinking of anything that she can do or anything mom might need. This is done with no emotion. No feeling, only to do what is expected as well as possible.

It's very draining.

I don't sit for too long very well. I start to feel trapped and restless.

Amyjay, your words are so true. It has been on my mind too "how her life with you could have been if she had been a less damaged person"

I sit and look at her. She is fragile. She is wounded and damaged, much like me. I keep hearing that I need to give to her what I want from her. My heart doesn't think that will work with her.

Im rambling.....

It's nice to know y'all are here and I'm not sitting here alone.

Thank you!