so im different today...

maybe fusion...

i dont know how many days have passed like this, but its been ok...
i've just been scared that im going to fall back into the pit... split apart again...

the pain is unbearable... i dont want to feel it anymore, even sitting here writing this makes me want to puke.... thinking about it makes my body cringe... how can so much pain reside within me... dormant... waiting to spring up without warning and take over my life...

triggers everywhere, its frightening living like this... trying to come to terms with my mental illness... that i have to be extremely careful how i live... who i let myself be around and what i let happen around me because i can be triggered into such dismal states...

i can already feel myself sliding down, im trying to stop it, i dont want to go back!
i want to stay happy and ok, safe.... but these past 2 days have been hard... i have struggled with small things... but i am trying to learn to cope, i just do not have coping skills... i do not know how to handle stressors and triggers...

i feel sad that i am like this... i am not depressed, not in the pit of despair, just sad that my life is full of such torment... i want to be ok, to be safe... to be able to be happy like "normal" people and not have to worry about being triggered into a suicidal state... or even a homicidal state, haha... not that i would act on those feelings, i just hate the world so much when i am in hell... because thats where i go when i get triggered... straight to hell... do not pass go... do not go to jail.. do not collect money or diseases... go directly to hell and collect your torturers punishments...

i have an appointment with a new therapist on tuesday and i am scared... i am nervous, i do not know what to expect...
as its with a male and i have complexes with men... and women i guess too but i've never talked with a male before and am nervous...
but he is supposed to be a specialist is what they told me...
so i just hope that he can do something for me... but im just scared that he will not be able to help either because nothing ever works for me...

im afraid this will be the same... i'll see him and it will be the same run around... no progress.. nothing changes... i just get worse... and worse.... and the pain consumes me... and i end up killing myself or overdosing on drugs trying to numb the pain because i cant take it anymore...

i feel like no one can understand, i feel so alone... really alone... i know people wish they could understand... and some people say they understand... but i feel like no one can really understand.... because its so bad... to be inside this head.... to live like this... to have to hide the scars on the outside... on the inside... the invisible ones... the visceral ones...
maybe its best no one could understand... maybe not... maybe im just an idiot... and think my problems are so much worse than they actually are....

its just that even the profesionals have not been able to understand so far...
they look at me puzzled... they just dont get it... and it pisses me off... i try to explain and they come at me with some bogus explanation that isnt even relevant to what i've been talking about the past 40 minutes...
and when i offer intellect on what i've read over the years and thoughts on what i think it could be they shut me down like i am a no body...

maybe i am a no body... maybe i really am in hell and everyone around me are the demons that are programmed to keep me puzzled and confused...
this is my torture... what did i do to deserve this?

to feel happy, when all seems well, you are shot down into the depths of a pit you think you'll never get out of! when you least expect it....
and then it seems you will never get out... the pain is unbearable....
and then some how you are able to climb out... missing your legg.. or an arm this time... but atleast you made it out... just to repeat the cycle... fission... and fusion... to ignite your soul in an explosive manner... i burn explosively.... there is no telling when im going to go off... and im very tired of the ride... i just want it to stop... i just want to sit here on the ground and stop....