"as i was left to be awake all night and well into the morning now I was thinking a lot about psychology. i came to the conclusion that the field is a pseudo-science and by that i mean that nothing is based on fact. it is all theoretical. and it can never be based on fact because it isn't capable of it. you cannot prove pain and suffering, you can only express it. and in the same vein, one can only interpret and trust these expressions as a listener or therapist or psychiatrist or what-have-you. pain and suffering are mental in they way that they are manifested and controlled by the brain and body. biology; a true science. but it enters the pseudo realm when expressed and then subsequently attributed meaning to by an outsider. yes you can sympathize, empathize, and understand someones discomfort. but you cannot experience it for yourself. reality is subjective because it is all based on perception. my reality is not your reality at this moment in time. my pain is not your pain even if we both went through the same traumatizing ordeal. even if we are identical twins. Siamese twins!!! we each have our own brains to rely on and sometimes these organs malfunction and misfire which causes pain and suffering. but it cannot ever be a fact. it will never be proven.

this isn't to say that i don't believe in psychology or it's benefits to heal pain and suffering. i can see how the process is scientific because of the way one diagnosis, interprets, attributes meaning to symptoms, and then applies it to a scientific model. all i am trying to see and believe by this is that i do not want to be a label. i do not want to be post-traumatic stress disorder. psychotic. majorly depressed. addicted. eating disordered. these are not my names and i will not respond to them if called out to me. they are also not excuses for my choices and behavior, no matter how aberrant or abnormal they may get. i cannot label myself psychologically impaired because if i do i am then succumbing to a self-fulfilling prophecy. one that casts me out of the social system and into the stigmatized and marginalized sidelines. a system that cannot sympathize, empathize, or understand. a system of which i fear terribly. although i am not ashamed of who i am and what i have been through and although i am, at most times, an open-book, if you will; i fear the repercussions that accompany such pseudo-scientific diagnoses; repercussions that come from external sources (i.e. society) and internal sources (i.e. self). i will not be deemed disabled and i will not give in to being impaired. i will thrive in my pain and suffering. i will express it as much as possible to any length because i know that good can come of it and that i may eventually heal it."

9/12/2012