"i have to be up in 6.5 hours. i have to be coherent in 6.5 hours. i have to gain control of my thoughts in 6.5 hours.

i took the luvox at 9pm. i am being held hostage by my mind. i cannot get comfortable.i rotate counter-clockwise through all my usual sleeping positions. all the while my mind is spinning and weaving a story for me. a story i don't understand. a story that doesn't make much sense. a story that is not being told by me. sometimes it's like a game that my mind is playing on me. word association. a word comes up, then another somewhat related, then another, and another, and another. endless.

what am i going to do with myself right now? how can this be solved? does anyone truly understand this torment? not just the insomnia but the also the obsessive and intrusive thoughts? the need to recount my activities i did today in order with as much detail as possible? remember and recite every conversation i had? when i mess up and remember something afterward i have to go back. i have to start all over. but then again even when i am done, when i have totally accounted for everything that occurred during my waking hours, i do it all over again. i'm not done. my mind is not done with me. as i reluctantly feel my mind starting to retrace my steps once more i hear my own thought, a thought that i have, that i control, that is me, "what the **** am i doing?"

an eternity is a night of no sleep when all you want is to not be awake anymore. "