i am trying to understand these states that i go through...

so that i can better prepare myself for them as they come and go...

trying to have a greater understanding so that i can have compassion for oneself rather than hatred...

looking back, the best i can... due to the extreme fog (for lack of better explanation) and memory loss...
i just am not handling this stuff very well at all...

my question:
i want to try to keep it small and simple... but it seems not so simple a question...

i know some people are going to say journal, and i might try to do that again soon but first i have to learn to identify this stuff... or elsee i'll end up with a book full of that nonsense again and i dont want that to happen again...

this might sound strange... but how do you know what you are feeling...?
how do you pick through the internal chaos and identify feelings...

or are there feelings at all...? emotions...?

i really try... currently... let me feel... let me think... let me try...

moments later...
i just feel blank... empty... i dont know what i feel...
but i know sometimes i do feel things... like when i was hurting... i dont like pain... it really hurts...

i made a friend in rehab... they made me feel happy, it felt nice... but they hurt me too, it was scary... so i know i can feel things... but why do i feel like this most of the time...? why am i an empty shell that i am able to control and manipulate to protect me from the world...?

when i do feel things its scary... i lose control and feelings emotions take over...

how do i gain control over my emotions... so that i can have a normal life...