Hi everyone,

I'm new here. Haven't introduced myself yet in the new members' thread but might do so later. I'm posting in depression section even though I have so many other problems as well: generalized anxiety, panic attacks, emetophobia (fear of everything that has to do with vomit), food phobia, some kind of an eating disorder where I have no hunger or appetite and I'm underweight.

I'm 32 and I'm a failure. I have nothing. My boyfriend broke up with me 3.5 months ago. I don't interact with my family, we are awkward with each other. I've just now realized how troubled our family always was. Mom has a lot of mental health problems. We can't even use the words 'woman', 'man', 'breasts', 'hips', 'bra' or 'underwear'. My dad is soon 75 and I'm constantly scared that if he dies soon I won't be able to get through another loss.

I've realized I've been living with shame and guilt my entire life. I don't have a personality. I fake and suppress whatever I am because I'm just wrong, serious, judgmental, withdrawn, I've never made long lasting friends.

I had a short lived marriage 2 years ago. My husband was abusive. He stalked and harassed me long after I had left him. I started studying narcissism and psychopathy and came to a conclusion he was one. However, for the past 1+ year I've had constant torturing thoughts that I'm a covert narcissist myself. This realization destroys me because it means I'll never be able to be genuine and stable or have a family. Life is meaningless.

I don't talk about my problems to anyone because that would push away the few friends I have and if I portray myself as a victim like that it only proves I'm a covert narcissist. I constantly check myself for signs of how mean I am and how I don't have empathy.

I've been on escitalopram twice before and life was mostly good during those times. However it kills your sex drive and orgasm and short-term memory so I quit.

After the marriage I had a boyfriend for over a year. He's a highly motivated, successful, happy, energetic and extroverted person. I relied on him. I'm codependent. I don't have anything without him. He had to support me so much. I ruined my best shot at a happy future by not being able to fix my anxiety issues while we were together.

But he also left me in a deeply confused state:

-Early on in our relationship he let me understand he didn't like the way I kissed.

-Once he called my tights whorish (he apologized).

-Once I had showed him a beautiful music video saying that finding it had been the best thing of the entire day. A week later I showed it to him again and maybe he didn't remember it was the same one because he said it sucked and was so cliché.

-Once he said he wanted to get to know me better and know what I like but added that he might laugh at my interests. He always said I shouldn't care what he thinks.

-Once he said one day I'll come and tell him I've kissed someone else and that his reaction would be "heck if I care".

-He said he didn't want to give validation because people should just feel good about themselves internally. However he would quite often talk to me about other girls being "amazing" or "cute".

-He loves female attention. It bothers me. I told him I did not think he was cheating on me but that for me it was about respect. He said he didn't understand what I meant by respect.

-We talked on the phone two weeks ago and I swear he said something like "of course I met/got to know some cute/interesting girls when we were together". It hurt me so damn much and I said he just basically proved me right that he had not had just platonic feelings for other girls. But again I could not really question him or get angry because he said it in a way that could as well just mean that of course there were other interesting girls but that he didn't act on it.

-He also told me a couple of times that my ex husband obviously didn't know what he was doing based on the way he abused/manipulated me. This made me paranoid that what my boyfriend was actually saying was that he could do it better.

-Once I was expressing my concern how I couldn't fully trust him and said that I didn't really know why this was, after all the support and great things he had done. He replied: "Because when people are too good they're manipulating you." So basically he said he had manipulated me? But then again he explained that he viewed the word manipulation as "having an impact" and not in a malicious way. This left me confused and paranoid about his intentions.

Right now he's flirting with a girl he went climbing with a few times (as friends and I think there were other people as well at least the first time they went) right before we broke up. I went to a party two nights back and both of them were there. Seeing him flirt and be all over her destroyed me and eventually I left the party crying and without saying bye to anyone. They are not dating, she doesn't seem as interested in him maybe. I can't even question him about it all because of course they were "just friends" when him and I were together.

I think I have ADD tendencies as well. I can't concentrate. Even this post is a mess because I can't organize my thoughts. I don't have a career or a job. I have a degree as an occupational therapist but screwed up my career chances as well by only working as on OT for 6 months when I graduated 5 years ago. I don't seem to have passions. I'm not good enough at anything. I only wanted a husband who would give me a sense of meaning and purpose and validate my existence. This also proves I'm a narcissist or a borderline who is just an empty shell and lives off of outside acceptance and validation. Now I am sure I will never find anyone again. I'm too old. And I can only blame myself for making all the wrong decisions in life. I don't have time to fix myself anymore so that I could be healthy and have a family.

I'm so paralyzed I mostly stay all day in bed alone in my tiny rented studio apartment. I haven't eaten again in two days. Right now I'm trying but I have no appetite. I got an appointment to a nutritionist but it's not until 31st of August. I don't know what type of therapy to look for. Earlier I was thinking CBT because of the anxieties and phobias but now I think I'm just so troubled that no one can help me. And also I can't open up even to a therapist because I hate it when they start analyzing how unstable I am and I just don't want to hear it.

What on earth do I do?