Welcome to PC. You'll find lots of support here. I agree that you should give yourself time to heal. You are very negative and down on yourself. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself, you've been through a lot of very painful things. If you're not already seeing a therapist, I encourage you to find a highly qualified one. You have a lot on your plate. You need support and help untangling some of these issues. Good luck and best wishes.