i started posting on psych central years ago... seeking help, looking for answers, clues, to my own inner chaos...
trying to understand the things that happen inside of me...

to find an understanding of whats going on with me...

it started on the depression forum i believe... because i knew i was depressed...
that was clear, sadness, despair, i could see- that was tangible enough, pain... misery... ouch, it hurt, yes, i can feel that... pain... its real, its the only thing i can truly feel...

then they diagnosed me with bipolar... so tried to research bipolar... tried to learn about the symptoms... how to treat it... how to cope with it...

tried to connect with other people that had the disorder...
tried to post in the bipolar forum for some time... but i never found the answers i was looking for...

i never fit in... i never found relief...

they put me on medications... antipsychotics... moodstabilizers... antianxiety medications... and nothing seems to help...

unable to relate with the bipolar people i felt lost... alone... hurt... misfit... misunderstood... so lost... so alone... alienated... no one can possibly understand me...? is it that i am so broken that no one can understand...? no one can help...? these problems cant be fixed...?

i've been doing this for 7 years.... and im really tired.... im just so tired.... i just want a slither of hope... a ray of light.... a piece of an answer... a hint... lead me on, to maybe there is an answer....

its getting worse.... so much worse...
and its getting to where i cant control it anymore...

these emotions... feelings... other parts of myself will take over and consume me...

before i know it its too late, mistakes are made, things have happened... things have been said... cuts have been made... drugs have been injested...
i've done acted like an asshole... and i just get to sit in the chair looking at my hands... feet... wondering who i am anymore... why me...

whats happening to me... why are these things happening to me... why dont i have control over my life any more and who is taking control over when its not me for crying out loud...

its really starting to take a heavy toll on me.... as i have been trying to deal with this for some time now.... and its getting so much worse...

the distinctions between these switches becoming more apparent with each observation... and i just get to sit here either numb or in great pain because of everything thats happened or happening...

trying to make sense of everything... trying to understand... trying to replace the hatred i have for everything, everyone, including the ones inside of me, with compassion... because im tired of the pain... i just want to be loved...

thats all i ever wanted; was to be loved... cared for... respected...
for ever was i neglected and abused... and now it seems i neglect and abuse myself in ways that are out of my control...
and i want to be nice to myself.... because even if no one else loves me... maybe i could love myself... and **** every body else...

but how do you love someone who hurts you.... because there are parts of me that are so mean... absolutely evil... and i mean it that way.... parts of me are demonic... and i mean that literally... demonic.... they talk to demons and satan and they dont care you know... they dont care about boundaries or god or whatever... they dont care about things like compassion or feelings and emotions....

i should say that i am not religious.... but i was raised christian.... i dont know if that matters anymore or not...
just that these parts of me take on those forms i guess... they may as well...
i say parts, but they are me.... i know its all me... but its in conflict with who i am so it must be a part that has broken off at some point right... just a part of me in my mind that lives in my mind with the others...

enough of that talk though....
i just don't know how to control my own self because i've let the parts do it for me my entire life...
i've run on programs and scripts my entire life... if you want to call it autopilot then you can but i wouldnt call it exactly autopilot because its more sophisticated than just autopilot... as its able to change scripts and redirect it self automatically and re-adjust course and do all kinds of things by itself as well... without me, while i just am here for the ride... watching... in a bubble... not interacting... not participating... not making conscious decisions... while the scripts and programs do all the work...

words elude me... but i try to explain... the more i try hopefully the better at explaining my bizarre existence will become...

i've been trying to figure things out for a long time... i dont know why its so difficult...

does any of this make sense...?

i know i sound crazy... its because i am crazy....