I really can see why you might be thinking this way. However, since you don't want to ruin you family member's b-day on Dec.31, then you must have family that you care about and that care for you. So how many other days do you think you might ruin if you do something to yourself?? Do you really think that the people who love you are just going to go on unscathed? They don't. I know.

My house is also falling down. I have no money to fix it either.

My health ins. is expensive as hell and doesn't pay for all of the treatment I need right now. Not to mention the price of drugs. Holy cow!

I feel like I'm living in a dark pit of depression that I'll never get out of.

But I know that i can't give up because I'm sure that eventually things will turn. They have to and if I have to lose every damn thing I have then maybe that's what it's going to take.

From what i read in these forums you're a lovely person with a quick wit and a great sense of humor. I think there would be a big empty place here without you.

PLease keep trying. Don't give up. We're all here for you.