Thanks Here Today, I appreciate the good thoughts.

Lolagrace, thanks for responding! I had been thinking about you... but wasn't sure if my memory was correct (and didn't want to call you out on the forum, in case I was misremembering). Thanks for the good thoughts, and for sharing your story here! It's definitely helpful to see that some people actually get better!

ColorsoftheWind12 - Thanks! It sounds like you've been through so much with your therapist. I'm glad to hear that it seems to be working... even if it's in tiny little increments.

I've tried lots of therapists, several of them for longer periods of time (i.e. a year or more). I just can't seem to find one that I really can work with. It may be that there's something about my problems, or my way of being, that is contributing to that - but that's not really helping me. The last one (who I actually think about going back to, just to have someone to talk to) - didn't really understand me, at all. At our last session, I had been having some problems related to my job... I was so excited to have a session scheduled to talk to someone about stuff that seemed crazy, and he basically told me that what I wanted to talk about wasn't important and was a waste of time. What kind of therapist says that? I think, if he were smarter, he would have at least spent a few minutes talking to me about it - to see *why* the things that I wanted to bring up were important to me, but he didn't, he just shut it down.

The last two that I interviewed... one was late (the building was locked, I was stuck outside in the middle of summer wondering if she was going to show up), couldn't answer questions (she'd talk in circles for a few minutes, then forget the question!), and didn't have any knowledge of "phase-oriented therapy" (despite saying that one of the things she specialized in was dissociative disorders). She didn't seem like a good fit at all...

The other was the awesome seeming French guy! I was really excited about that, b/c he seemed to have a personality similar to some of my previous friends, who were wonderful to talk to about psychology, personality, and mental health - very smart guy. But, he was a fairly new therapist, and his supervisor told him that he couldn't see me, b/c he had no experience with dissociation (despite advertising that he treats trauma!) - and I was diagnosed (~15 years ago!) with a dissociative disorder, so... that was... *sigh*. I cried.

I don't really know what I *need*. It's just... the whole thing is frustrating. I've spent so many years and dollars *trying* to make it work with various therapists. With that last one, I really thought I was in a place to start getting into some of my crap... but... most of what he said/did seemed to make me feel more shut down/closed off... rather than making me feel like sharing more

Ugh. Part of me feels like I should just go back... b/c I know he will put up with me. We had several talks about the fact that he wouldn't quit or kick me out, he'd stick it out with me as long as I wanted, and even if I left and came back... he'd be there (barring death, retirement, etc). He was very solid in that regard.

But he's super expensive and... just not very helpful. OMG. I don't know. I have to think about it some more. (Ha... sorry, I think I just sort of followed some random tangent of thought that wasn't really related, but... trying to sort it out.)

Oh, and last therapist... as nicely as possible... very much validated that I was a "challenging" client (and probably needed to avoid new, inexperienced therapists.)