I posted this elsewhere, but this was our last communication with each other, when he kicked me out of the condo he was renting to me and blamed it on me.

This is from when the estrangement occurred. I emailed first, and that is the text in black. My dad's responses are in blue, and my responses to his responses are in red. This is why sending it would never work. He twists things around in his head and believes whatever fits the story in his head that he wants to believe.

Dear Seesaw,

I am sorry, this is not up for discussion or negotiation. I do feel hurt as well as used, betrayed, manipulated and disrespected. We seem to remember conversations and events differently. When I called you on Friday it was with the intent of asking you if you wanted to go out to dinner with Vicki, Larry and me. It was Passover and I thought it would be nice for us to have dinner together. I had been looking forward to you being close so we could do these things, especially now that we are done with the work on the other condo. I do want to say that I did benefit in speaking with your prior therapists and do not understand why you would not have wanted to bring me in to this conversation with your current ones and your doctors. I also do not understand why they would not feel the need to TREAT this need to have another dog to be “happy” rather than give in to it. It sounds to me like you are not happy within yourself and that should be the problem they need to address. That is just my opinion.

I’m sorry it has to be this way, it is not what I wanted or needed. Yes, you have paid rent thru April, so you need to find something by the time the month ends and I would hope that you will leave the condo in the same condition that it was when you moved in 2 months ago. It sounds like a group home may even be a good option for you and your doctors, nurses and staff may be able to help you with that.

Love,

Dad

From: Seesaw
Sent: Saturday, April 04, 2015 10:16 AM
To: Dad
Subject: Re: FW: Saturday Visit to pick up mail

Hi Dad,

I have made a few comments in red below to answer your questions.

Love, Amanda

On Fri, Apr 3, 2015 at 10:07 PM, wrote:
Dear Seesaw,
My response is in blue below.
Love, Dad

Dear Dad,

I wanted to write this out to you because I have a hard time telling you things with the right words sometimes. It means so much to me that you and Vicki stepped into my life and helped me get to Florida so I can get the treatment and care I need. I know I'm especially lucky to have parents like you two.

Last week, Astro had been warning me of panic attacks all week and I'd been zoning out a lot. His warnings and attention on Friday helped me realize early enough that I was beginning to have a dissociative episode. The doctor, Dr. Jones, isn't quite sure what exactly it is, if it's part of my PTSD, or possibly Dissociative Identy Disorder, or Bipolar Depression. But it doesn't really matter, the point is that I was dissociative and psychotic (yes, actually psychotic), and they are treating that with the Rispiridol.

I remember some of what I was doing and saying Friday night and the nurses told me some too. I was dead set on killing myself. I warned them that the second they took their eyes off me, even though they had taken all stuff that I could harm with away from me, I would find a way to kill myself. I told them that I could just ram myself into a wall head first. Or that I could punch a hole through the walls to break my arm. Upon admission, when they asked if I was having any homicidal thoughts, apparently I told them that I had made a plan and figured out how to kill my ex-boss. When they decided to put me on a 1:1 watch, with eyes on me all the time, I remember hearing thoughts in my head that it didn't matter, because I would just starve myself to death.

Personally, I don't identify with these thoughts. When I'm told what I said or remember certain things from that night, I can't believe it was me. I've never been suicidal before, but apparently I was Friday night. I don't tell you this to upset you, I just want you to understand what I'm going through. And I’m glad you have, hopefully the everyday therapy is/will help.

What I do remember, because I was drawing pictures and writing about him, is that I was so distraught and suicidal because I'd come to the end of what I could take from the stress of moving, giving away over half of what I owned and worked hard to get, and giving up Blue and Zooey. In talking with the doctors, nurses, and staff, they encouraged me to seek out the things that I need to be happy and lower my stress. To come to the point, I realized and they agreed with me, that if adopting another dog was going to help me recover from losing Blue and keep me stable, then I should do it. They may have agreed with you but there are other ways to do this, like volunteering at the shelter or something like that. It would have been even better to call me in to hear the doctors actually say that adopting another dog was the answer. I am uncomfortable with you speaking to my doctors or providers as I need to rely on my ability to have confidentiality with them. In the past, you reported that you got nothing out of speaking to my psychologist.

First of all, I have submitted all the paperwork to the HOA, so there is no problem there. Maybe not, Amanda, but you are not renting the villa from the HOA, you are renting from Vicki and I. We are the owners and should approve any changes to the terms of rental and WE are the ones to submit requests to the HOA. When you and I spoke about 6 weeks ago or so about me getting Astro's replacement started, you told me to get all the documentation submitted to the HOA. I thought I was doing as you asked. When we spoke, you said I just had to wait 2 months. I'm not sure why a few weeks makes such a difference. Your desire was that I be settled in, and I am. I know where all the stores I need to go to are, and whom I need to go to for all the services I need provided. I adopted a young dog this week. What type of dog? Large, medium, or small, not that it matters now. If she doesn't work out as a service dog, the breeder you worry about spending money for your therapy but will buy a dog from a breeder? Just because I ask how much something will cost does not mean I worry about it. It means I want to make sure I appropriately budget for everything. I do not know where you and Vicki got this idea that I'm unwilling to pay for my mental health care, but that's simply untrue. If that were true, I wouldn't have paid Andrew, my doctor in Missoula, out of pocket for so long. Additionally, I got a really good deal on this dog, so the cost remained within my budget. will allow me to trade her for another puppy within the next year. However her temperament is so calm, I don't think there will be any problem there. If I get to the point where I don't need her anymore or she becomes a burden, the breeder has agreed to help me find a suitable person who needs a service dog locally so I can visit her and help another person who needs help like I do.

I've made all the preparations, and Desia and Gail are both happy to check in on her while I'm at the PHP during the morning.

I hope you can understand why I had to do this, and I hope you will like Ya-Ya when you meet her tomorrow. I’m sorry Seesaw, I’m having trouble understanding this, talking to your doctor and hearing his reasoning as to why this is a good idea probably would have helped. I need to rely on the confidentiality between myself and my doctors. I was under the impression that, based on our conversation previously, that you were satisfied with the documentation I have as you had said okay to this with the caveat that you wanted me to wait two months from that conversation. I had an opportunity for a great deal from a good breeder, and was hoping that a couple of weeks wouldn't make that much difference. Seesaw, you did this very thing to your landlord in Missoula, he said no dogs and you got Astro, he, I think gave in to one dog and then you got Blue, and he asked you to leave, as I remember it. Dad, I do not want to dwell on the past. I am trying to move forward with my life. I wasn't trying to go out of my way to offend you. Before I ever got Astro I spoke to my landlord to see if he would allow me to have a dog. He agreed and asked for a specific pet deposit, which I paid. He didn't "give in," I asked and he agreed. With Blue, my landlord was on one of his long trips (4 months) to visit his girlfriend in Colorado and I did not want to make him cut his trip short by giving him notice while he was out of town. Yes, I adopted Blue, and the second he was back in town, I gave him notice. This was what our disagreement was about, whether or not I had given 30 days notice. I hope this clears up any misunderstandings on this issue.

And now you are doing the same thing to me. To do something and then ask for forgiveness or permission is not right, I don’t care how you put it. I do not like being manipulated, you say what you have in the first line, that we stepped into your life to help you. Well, I think that because of your lack of communication of your issues or needs--I feel I have communicated my needs numerous times and any time I do, you and/or Vicki just get upset that I may have needs other than what you think I should need. It would help, if when I am communicating my needs to you, that you wouldn't just walk away or take it as a personal attack (not having the doctor tell me this was a good idea, which by the way Seesaw, might have made this easier). I think this might be the action that causes me to rethink how involved I am.

Seesaw, I love you dearly, and nothing can change that. But, this does put a very large strain on our relationship. If only you had done this differently and thought of others before you did this. Unfortunately I am serious about requesting that you find someplace else to live. We do not want another dog, especially a puppy, living in the unit to damage our investment including the furniture. This is part of our retirement and we cannot afford to throw it away or have it diminish in value. You told me that you were buying this condo for me and Amanda Francesca's for her. Why would I do anything to damage it or diminish it? My goal is to enhance it and add to it's value. That is just part of the problem we have with this. We have a big problem with your lack of respect and no feelings at all for our mental and physical health--I have no feelings to your mental and physical health? That's why I went to the hospital while you were getting your surgery and waited until I could see you to make sure you were okay before I would leave? That's why I'm the one who went in search of a nurse and insisted they let us see you for a few minutes in recover? That's why I asked 100s of times if I could help out with Amanda Francesca's condo because I didn't want you working too hard or straining yourself? That's why I play it cool when Vicki is upset that I've asked to come over to spend some time with y'all? I think if you look a bit closer you'll see that all I've done is try to show my respect, appreciation, and concern for your mental and physical health, at the expense of my own. I’m sure you will be able to find a place that is more appropriate for you and your two dogs. Please let me know how soon you will be out of the unit. If this is what you truly wish, then that's okay, and I will work to be gone by the end of April or first week of May.

What I would really like is if we could work this out, because I love you too, Dad. I'm sorry that you feel hurt by this. I was under the impression that you had okayed this and I was just doing it a little bit early because I was getting a good deal and emotionally I needed the support.

Love,
Seesaw